March 2011

Posted by Seiferre at 10:41 PM 0 comments

How to Forget the Past

2011-03-28

Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget

I'm going to get bored of writing this.

Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget

I really don't need or want to carve this into my arm. But it feels as though it's necessary right now.

Forgive yourself.
Forgive everyone else.

Let it go. Let it die. If you want a future then the past has to be accepted and properly buried.

But how do you go about that?

How are you supposed to forget.. What you've done? How are you supposed to forget words like "Our past... Sucked."? How? How do you forget pain, and sadness, and worry and rage and love and fortitude, and everything in-between?

Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.

I don't really know how to do this.

Can someone force themselves to forget shit?

Of course they can... I did it... But then it came back. I hope it doesn't always come back. I don't know what else to do. I guess this is what blogs are for.

Five year olds don't remember much because they're distracted. Maybe I should distract myself. But I can only distract myself so much.

Forget the words. He loves you.
Forget London. She doesn't matter.
Forget what you've done. You'll correct it now.
Forget the cheating. You won't do it again.

If our past sucked so bad, then... What else do I have left to hold on to?

Posted by Seiferre at 5:33 AM 0 comments

Labels: Life, Love

Backtracking Facebook Posts is a Bad Idea.

Of course, no one really should eavesdrop. It's a very bad, bad habit of mine that I need to break but... You can't help bloody doing that if one of your friends suddenly tells you "Oh, I thought the MAN THAT YOU LOVE THE MOST IN THE WORLD is dating ONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU HATE MOST IN THE WORLD right now."

I don't... What? What is this?

So naturally I slip into one of my older habits (Because... Apparently old habits die harder than I thought they did, but I haven't done this for quite some time, so sue me. It's not like it's a growing resurgence) and check Facebook for a while.

Well like I said, no one hears anything good about themselves when eavesdropping.

Not only (Surprise) do I find something between the two of them (Which I'm inclined to believe him for, but, still, some pieces don't seem to add up here), but of course find less-than-desirable info.

These... They're understandable. I was a bitch and an idiot. I guess even the thing with London should be understandable since... He was unattached... It shouldn't even really get to me this much but... I can't help but... I don't even know. Wonder if they're having weird fucking makeout sessions? Having sex, even? I can't bear to think like that but anyone who reads this blog knows me, and they know my insecurities. I just... Want to know what happened. I can tell from the wall post that SOMETHING happened... I just want him to be honest so I can move on with this BS... Because...

London Prater
ummm so times in the rain..good times hope you think of those pimpin' times today and they make it a great day. Have a good day....btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

August 25, 2010 at 12:49am
T.j. Reilly Ha, wow, thanks London, good times indeed. And thanks for the reminder of course.
August 25, 2010 at 1:06am ·

London Prater no prob...our little secert
August 25, 2010 at 1:07am ·

What exactly are you supposed to think about that?

Just... What? You can't think shit, that's what. And you're paralyzed because you wonder what exactly is going on here.

Again, this shouldn't even fucking bother me... But it does. I just can't... I hate feeling like I wasn't the only one to him even though that's... Stupid. Even though I never did move on, I did date other people...

The other thing... I don't even know. It was my fault. All my fault. And I know that. I can't get over the fact that I basically forced the love of my life to hide from me. I should never have done that and... Well, I was stupid. But... It's hard to see. It's hard to go backward on Facebook, tell yourself that this really isn't something you should do and then just keep pressing because you're curious as to what he's done without you... Things you could have and should have shared with him that you never did. That shit fucking hurts like hell.

I talked with him about all of this and, well, understandably, he was pissed at me. I guess I'd be pissed too if I couldn't go to sleep and I was tired and hurting. I just... Wanted to get the matter from him straight and he just came off like I was accusing him of everything. I wasn't... I just... Wanted to talk about it. I was so upset with London and with myself that I wasn't even sure if I should cry or laugh at the absurdity. >>;; I did end up crying though, a little... Mostly because he sounded so mad at me.

Just... I want this thing with London to stop. I want to know what went on between them because I have a niggling feeling that this is one of those "I-need-to-lie-to-you-to-protect-you" things and I really don't want to be protected... I came clean with the cheating business and I just... If such is the case, and even if it isn't, I hope he does the same. It's driving me nuts. It makes me waver when I think "I want to marry this man". It makes me... Break a little.

On another note, the whole backtracking thing... Shit... I missed so much. And I feel so goddamn horrible it isn't even funny. It's not funny that I forced him into this position but it's also deeply hurtful that he felt he really did have to hide his life from me. I wish I wasn't such an idiot. And I wish I had treated him better. That, at least, I guess... I can lay to rest. Simply by saying that I will treat him better. No question.

He thinks I'm worrying about the past with all this... But... I'm not... I'm really worrying about the future and how shaky I'll end up being... I'm worried about how long this bullcrap with London will keep popping up before I can stop looking over my shoulder for her... I mean hell, I'd JUST got over that BS before we broke up the first time and now here it is again, trying to ruin my goddamn fucking awesome relationship.

I just... Don't know. I don't know who to turn to because it's obviously bad to talk to him about this, since he's very sensitive about the subject, but... Who else do I go to...?

Posted by Seiferre at 1:46 AM 0 comments

Labels: Memes, Video

30 Day Song Challenge, Duly Noted.

2011-03-15

I think it's only for my sanity, but I've decided that it'd probably be smart to see what my answers are when I start this, just in case I start it again. So, starting from February 25, 2011:

DAY OO1