Catching Up

Lots of things have happened since I've last updated.  Two big stress-makers have gone away, at least for the remainder of the year, new stress comes to take their place, and, oh, I have a new job.

I think I lost my job at Macy's, anyway >>;;.  They haven't been scheduling me at all.

My new job is at American Eagle Airlines.  I'm ecstatic!  Not kidding -- this is exactly what I'd been hoping for when I made this post.  What's left now?  Distribute my resume, get my foot into writing and establish seniority at American Eagle so that I'll be able to keep my sanity for those always-rare off days and vacations.  There's my life set up.  Now I just have to make sure I can do it.

On subject of my love life, today marks four years since TJ and I got together.  I'm proud of us; we've come so far from those two teenagers in a park.  I think I'm still paranoid.  I think he can still be an ass.  But I love him.  I think he loves me, too.

The other day we were having an argument about nicknames...  I still don't know what's become of that because...  I want to think that he realizes how important that name is to me; I think I get how important it is to him and how different it is when it comes from her...  But it's special.  It's ours.  I don't want to share it with anyone, especially not with another woman.  I don't care what the meaning is.

I don't really know if that means I've put our love before TJ himself...  But I know that no one else, NOTHING else comes before those things.  That's the way life is supposed to be.  You put the one you love the most and the things you share before anyone else.  Before anything.  At least...  That's the way it's supposed to be.  He promised me he'd take care of it, so, I'm waiting.

I bought him a watch for our anniversary.  It's fitting -- he bought me my watch some time ago.  Hopefully these will keep for a really long time.

This post looks hobjobbed and not at all like how I normally write...  I think my brain is too scattered to coherently put together sentences.  I just know that there are things I need to do and people that I need to take care of.  And I'll keep this blog updated as to how that process is going.  Sorry it took so long for me to come back.

Let's Talk About...

How...  Odd it feels to be told that I'm somebody's "everything", but then realize that every Facebook status he updates, every blog post he makes, are about anything except me.

Actually, I take that back.  That one about arguing with a dumb bitch, that was me...  That one about never wanting to talk to me again and "Why the fuck did you call me at work", that was me...  The one about being "stalked", that was me...  The one about how he couldn't believe he gave up fifty dollars, that was me (And damn, but I had been hoping that he'd actually wanted to do something nice for me, but now I know in the back of his mind he was thinking what a stupid fucking decision it was, and that feels horrible)...  The one about how he could finally listen to our song without "wanting to erase the past three years of his life", that was me too...  And afterward, after all that, one single post made me smile.  And that was about having St. Patrick's Day dinner with his family and me.  Not even the one where we were at Chili's was about me.  It was about a song that was playing.  Hmm.  But at least I was mentioned there.

What am I getting at here?  If I'm your everything, then why are your thoughts all over the place except for me?  If I'm your everything, then how come the only facebook statuses (That don't sound like you want to bite someone's head off, again, me) that are positive are about your friends?  If I'm your everything, then how come you introduced your FRIENDS in the first blog post you ever made, but when I asked you why I was never mentioned, you said you "Don't write about your daily life in this blog"?  By the way, that journal you claimed to have that was filled with thoughts about me that you conveniently "lost" a couple of years ago probably should have been found the day you moved out...  Guess that wasn't real either...

I'm writing about this because I woke up at four in the morning crying over it.  I think maybe I'm coming off as a little whiny, but it worries me.  It worries me because honestly, if I'm your everything and you've personally told me that you want to shout your love from the rooftops...  Why aren't you doing it?  What's keeping you from announcing your love?  What's keeping you from talking about me?  Why are you hiding me?

It also makes me a little jealous...

Because I see Tomasa talking about her boyfriend all the time, and how they love each other, and how he's amazing...  Because I see other people talking to their SO's over Facebook and meanwhile I haven't heard a peep from mine, like he thinks that nothing I ever write about is interesting...  Because I read blog posts where wives are cooking or hanging out or even dieting with their husbands and they seem so...  Happy.  They seem like they're "together".  They don't seem separated.  I feel separated.

I feel as though this relationship is trying to work from two different sides that aren't willing to come together anymore.  I feel like he isn't willing to reach out to me where I'm willing to reach out to him (But at least we talked about that one, and he's willing to let me support him now).  Because of those facebook statuses I know that everything he told me when we were first dating was a lie.  He didn't think the world of me, he was turning around and letting all his friends know just what sort of retarded bitch I was, for all to see, on Facebook.  And I wouldn't be surprised if he had been constantly complaining to them about me while he was secretly hanging out with them, too.

And now...  While we're dating again...  Shouldn't he be announcing his refound love for me?  Shouldn't he at least have let people know how much he missed me?  Shouldn't he be talking about how he enjoys spending time with me, or the things we do together?  Shouldn't he be talking about how much I make him smile, or how happy I make him, or...  Something?

I guess...  I guess I'm just not noteworthy enough to talk about.  Certainly not more noteworthy than a cardboard cutout of Snoop Dogg in his room, or a couple of turret plushies.  I so dearly wish I was, though.  I really wish I was his everything.

Let's Play Tug of War.

...I've got really good practice.

There's no other way I can describe my situation right now.  If I really wanted to, I could throw a hit to his pride and say he was bending over backwards for people he really shouldn't be doing that for.  I could say that he, I don't know, is trying to make up for the fact that he hit his friend in the head with a lead pipe.  I could say he's doing it to be nice because, well, he's gotta live with these people.  I could say a lot of things, but I won't.  I'll simply say that all of these things make me feel even more like shit every time they happen.

I can understand, I guess, "Placating" people.  My mother does it all the time.  My entire family does it all the time.  Hell, everybody does it all the time.  What exactly is it you do when you "Accept" someone's opinion?  You know in your heart that it isn't true unless you're presented with some incontrovertible evidence, hence you don't really accept it at all.  You say "Okay, that's fine, you believe that and I believe this.  Let's move on."  Or, alternatively, you do what I do and you argue your ass off until you find out which one of you is right, or one of you leaves out of sheer frustration.  It's not that we "accept" anything.  We're programmed by everyone who says "Be who you want to be" to NOT accept other peoples' opinions, and yet we're also brainwashed into 'playing nice" with our peers, and conforming to the niceties of the world.  This is where arguing ensues.  You're not sure what to do so you don't play nice and you seek the acceptance that "Being who you want to be" entails.  You think your way of life is right, and then you learn, "Well shit.  I fucked up."

The problem lies here: There are weak-willed people, and there are strong-willed people.  There are also hordes of people like the Church who will attempt to tell you what's right and wrong.  They are strong by default because they run on the support of their members and, well, you've got to be strong to be able to stomach the amount of absolute shit that they spoonfeed you when you're in Religion class.  Anyone who's been bullied knows that when the bully loses his cronies, shit goes down because the one who had support has now lost it, and doesn't know what to do, or how to think on his own. 

Inevitably, whether you're weak- or strong-willed, the truth will out.  Everyone told Columbus that the Earth was flat.  Well thank Dispater it isn't, otherwise most of the US Navy would be dead at this point.  However, for those more trivial manners, it's up to the ordinary people to solve their ordinary problems.  Here's where "Survival of the Fittest" really comes in.  When you're dealing with He-Said-She-Said, it's more often than not very hard to track down the source of whatever rumor's going about.  Thus, the people with a stronger drive to be "right", or the people with the stronger drive to know the truth will always win.  They will always win because they have the drive to find what they are looking for, or the weak will bow out because, well, they're weak.  They either don't want to deal with your bullshit or they don't know how to.  It's an imperfect system, but there you have it. 

If you follow me, then you can easily apply labels to those who I'm referring to.  The people pleasers, the ones who just want everything to be happy and gay are not necessarily weak-willed.  There are some very awesome people out there who literally fight for happiness, and more power to them.  But usually, when faced with someone more aggressive, they'll bow out because what they ultimately want is peace.  It is for this reason that they can so easily "Play nice" and ultimately lose their faces as individuals.  Peace is a very lonely place if you don't have friends to share it with, after all.  The problem is that when those "Peaceful" people have issues, they start dealing with it in a really bitchy manner.  Hence, they backstab.  Why?  Because a 100 lb lightweight isn't gonna go up against The Undertaker unless he's gone insane or has a death wish.  Yes, I've just made a wrestling reference.

There are then the outcasts -- the people that lean more toward "Be Myself" than "Let's All Get Along."  I used to have a lot of respect for these people before I realized, well shit, they're just a more bitter bunch that, all the same, still form cliques and seem to have that need for interaction that other people do.  There aren't a lot of people who are okay with losing their friends if it means that they've got the truth in their hands.  A lot of people would seemingly die without human interaction, and apparently that's a scientifically proven fact.  But the thing is, the truth should be more important than anything.  It should be more important than your dog.  It should be more important than your roommates.  It should be more important than your parents, that girl you had a crush on in Fifth grade and that shitty boss that you know you've got to please or else you won't get that ten dollar raise you've been wanting.  It should be more important.  I did some stupid shit for truth and ended up fucking myself in the ass because, ultimately, I ended up failing to tell it myself.  But that's what experience does.  Experience brings you to these types of realizations.

Have I digressed?  Oops.

The point is, telling the truth, at least, your version of the truth, is infinitely more important than pleasing someone, as it always should be.  Some people just don't get that, and I almost think that such is the case with TJ and I.  I don't know if I'm that person that he can't tell the truth to.  I don't know if he's hiding it from me because he loves me or if he really is defending me behind closed doors, and he just doesn't see that it either wasn't effective or...  I don't know.  But I'll tell you the truth the way I see it.

These people are not being very civil people.

There's something to be said for high schoolers: They may be brats, they may not be right, but at least they're real with you.   At least they'll look you in the eye and say "You are not my authority, and I do not answer to you."  There is NOTHING to be said for people who talk behind others' backs, who have a problem and don't bring it up, who complain without having a reason to.  I, meanwhile, have absolutely no way of reaching these people, because these people, well, frankly, won't listen to me.  They've had enough of me and they won't really budge on that because, uh, well, they haven't moved past high school.  They don't know that first impressions aren't something you should really fixate on.  If it was, well, I'd have kept a lot of friends from Giles.  First impressions don't work because you don't consistently keep that 'impression.'  No one is happy and polite and bubbly all the time.  You cannot expect anyone to be that way, and you cannot expect someone who firmly believes in being herself to even be that way at all, if that isn't the way she acts.  They also haven't gotten to that point where they know the difference between "Ignorance" and "Civility."  They don't know that outright ignoring that person in the hall when they say "Hi" to you is, in fact, more rude than when that person confronts you and asks what your problem is, because at least something can be accomplished by confrontation, if nothing else than to tie up loose ends and part ways. 

I have no idea why the one who is supposed to love me most in the world supports this behavior.

I'm not sure why the man who is supposed to defend my name and my honor sees it fit that others treat me this way.  Get it straight, I am not complaining.  But when I can't reach the people I want to reach (Because quite frankly, these people are ALLOWED to slam the door in my face, seeing as I'm consistently invading their territory), then who am I to turn to but the one link I have with them?  I'll say it again: This is not civility.  Civility is giving someone a smile and a wave when you're too cowardly to say 'hello'.  Civility is being able to make conversation instead of blatantly ignoring you and talking to your boyfriend instead.  Civility is everything my prissy, preppy mother taught me to do, and I do it for his sake, but I'm not going to continue doing it if he doesn't seem to care whether I do it or not.  It's quite easy to see that he doesn't, because he agrees with them on everything that I've done.  Everything that I've done has been bad. 

"Hey, Caitlyn ripped down this paper that I put up."  "Oh...  Um...  Yeah...  Yeah that was pretty bad."  Is not a defense.  That is agreement.  Or at the very least, that's a deer being caught in headlights.  Allow me to be a petulant brat here, and request that I have a boyfriend who will REALLY show that he loves me for who I am, and who will say "That's what she does, this is why." instead of agreeing that I've done something bad.  I wish that the man I'm in love with would stand up for me and tell the people I'm having a problem with, "You know what, that's who she is, and I love her for it, so you can either stuff it or suck my dick."  instead of agree that I "started that 'Hipster' thing" (I didn't.), "Started shit with our friends that she shouldn't have." (I didn't, and if their friends have such weak stomachs that they can't handle me when I'm being myself, we're all better off without them), or "Is morally corrupt." (I still stand by the fact that that 2000 dollars would have been wasted if I'd waited any more than five hours.)

I'll say this: It's their house.  And that's fine.  But if they pick fights with me then the fight isn't over until I'm dead and dust.  I, however, am not allowed to fight on their turf because they are the type of people who would rather avoid confrontations they can't handle rather than try and learn from their failure.  I need my boyfriend.  I need him to know that him agreeing with them is making me feel like shit.  I need him to know that if he wants to bend over backwards to please them then I need to go somewhere else, because I don't have the time or want to deal with people who haven't aged since they were sixteen.  I need the man who loves me to show that he loves me through everything.  That's what true love is.  That's what I'm continually searching for.  That's what I waited for.  If I can't have that...  Then why am I here?

The Shit You Do...

I woke up today thinking 'I need to be with TJ today.'  Not for my benefit, not for his. For ours.  I felt horrible after this weekend - we'd had such terrible fights that our time together ended on a bittersweet note.  Now, I've been kicked out of my boyfriend's house and am currently sitting in a parking lot waiting for the sun to rise because frankly, I have nowhere else to go. The only thing I can do is write, sort out my feelings and move when the cops tell me to. While I'm here, I guess I should be productive and fill you in.

It started out fine. I felt like we were gonna move on from what we had done after all those make ups. I told myself, and him, that the reason I was here was to support him. Fair enough?

He got sick. We were okay in the car. We were okay until that conversation. It all went wrong there.  And from this point, there is no fairer way to sort this out than by factually stating everything that happened.

Point: he's sick and didn't need that
Point: I would have kept it to myself if he hadn't asked

Score: TJ. He asked, and it was against better judgment to tell him when I know he erupts when he's sick.

Point: I don't know the situation
Point: the problem wasn't about carmen at all.

Score: TJ/1, Cat/1. He assumed I was sticking up for her but he knows better than to do that. I don't stick up for people I don't know. The problem was about how his reaction might reflect on our relationship.

Point: Ludicrous.
Point: WTF.

Score: TJ/1, Cat/2. Here's where the fun starts. True, maybe he didn't mean that my problem was stupid, but the way he phrased it ["This is ludicrous."] Was pretty bad, and he didn't elaborate on the fact that it wasn't me until the end. I have reason to go WTF here. He told me he would stop, and he didn't.

Point: Eviction
Point: THAT is ludicrous

Score: TJ/2, Cat/2. Technically, I should have gone. But it was irritating how he wasn't seeing my side of the story, just what he assumed I was saying.

Point: listen to me
Point: listen to me

Score: TJ/3, Cat/3. We both should have listened. I tried, but felt he didn't.

Point: I already know what you're gonna say, I don't wanna hear anymore because its stupid
Point: you asked me the question and you don't know what I was gonna say at all

Score: TJ/3, Cat/4. He did ask me a question. He then threw the incomplete answer in my face without hearing me out.

Point: you're being pathetic
Point: let me stay

Score: TJ/3, Cat/5. This would go to TJ because yes, begging him to stay isn't exactly cool in my book either. But at this point it feels like manipulation on his part, because he knew I had nowhere to go.  If I leave my house and don't come back before midnight, I simply can't go back until the next day. Both the way he acted in kicking me out and the way he was talking to me felt very close to abuse, and I don't take kindly to my loved one calling me pathetic.

Point: you're trying to control me
Point: no I'm not

Score: TJ/ 3, Cat/6. I don't even know how that leap was made. If anyone was controlling anyone it was him controlling me.

Point: you're being childish
Point: no I'm not

Score: TJ/4, Cat/6. I'm giving him this one because I don't really think I was, but maybe I was from his POV. That iisnt the same as being called pathetic though. That was uncalled for.

Point: you're paranoid
Point: I'm concerned about our relationship

Score: TJ/4, Cat/7. He's right, this would be paranoia under any normal circumstance. But, considering the fact that hes been calling my problems ludicrous since we got back together and we seem to not have solved that problem yet, I have a right to be scared for us. Seeing him smile and be generally amused by all that makes me wonder. It makes me wonder how long it will be before he starts thinking that way, too. That was my issue.

Point: if you can be a civil human being and you call me in 15 minutes, you can come upstairs.
Point: I was being reasonable

Score: TJ/4, Cat/8. Let's look back. I didn't tell him to shut up after asking him a question. I didn't call him pathetic. I didn't tell him I would call the cops on him and I certainly didn't kick him out. Who is being unreasonable here?

There are certainly more points here, which I may or may not add. The point really is... is this the man I want to spend my life with?

He called me pathetic.
He told me to shut up.
He triied to tell me I was controlling or manipulating him
He called me childish
He didn't listen to me at all
He didn't stop calling anything ludicrous
He called me paranoid
He assumed I was going to "some guys house" to sleep if michelle wasn't home
He told me I had "a long way to go"
And, most importantly, he kicked me out in the middle of the night when he wasn't sure I had a place to go.

Why did he do this?

He wanted to sleep.

...what does that say to you?

His health and well being are important to me. I was willing to hold out on telling him my problem so we could sleep together. I was even willing to let him be right. Well, almost willing.

My health and well being, on the other hand, don't seem to matter.

I still don't have a place to go, by the way.

Backtracking Facebook Posts is a Bad Idea.

Of course, no one really should eavesdrop.  It's a very bad, bad habit of mine that I need to break but...  You can't help bloody doing that if one of your friends suddenly tells you "Oh, I thought the MAN THAT YOU LOVE THE MOST IN THE WORLD is dating ONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU HATE MOST IN THE WORLD right now."

I don't...  What?  What is this?

So naturally I slip into one of my older habits (Because...  Apparently old habits die harder than I thought they did, but I haven't done this for quite some time, so sue me.  It's not like it's a growing resurgence) and check Facebook for a while.

Well like I said, no one hears anything good about themselves when eavesdropping.

Not only (Surprise) do I find something between the two of them (Which I'm inclined to believe him for, but, still, some pieces don't seem to add up here), but of course find less-than-desirable info.

These...  They're understandable.  I was a bitch and an idiot.  I guess even the thing with London should be understandable since...  He was unattached...  It shouldn't even really get to me this much but...  I can't help but...  I don't even know.  Wonder if they're having weird fucking makeout sessions?  Having sex, even?  I can't bear to think like that but anyone who reads this blog knows me, and they know my insecurities.  I just...  Want to know what happened.  I can tell from the wall post that SOMETHING happened...  I just want him to be honest so I can move on with this BS...   Because...

London Prater

ummm so times in the rain..good times hope you think of those pimpin' times today and they make it a great day. Have a good day....btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

August 25, 2010 at 12:49am 
T.j. Reilly Ha, wow, thanks London, good times indeed. And thanks for the reminder of course. 
August 25, 2010 at 1:06am ·
 
London Prater no prob...our little secert 
August 25, 2010 at 1:07am ·

What exactly are you supposed to think about that?

Just...  What?  You can't think shit, that's what.  And you're paralyzed because you wonder what exactly is going on here. 

Again, this shouldn't even fucking bother me...  But it does.  I just can't...  I hate feeling like I wasn't the only one to him even though that's...  Stupid.  Even though I never did move on, I did date other people... 

The other thing...  I don't even know.  It was my fault.  All my fault.  And I know that.  I can't get over the fact that I basically forced the love of my life to hide from me.  I should never have done that and...  Well, I was stupid.  But...  It's hard to see.  It's hard to go backward on Facebook, tell yourself that this really isn't something you should do and then just keep pressing because you're curious as to what he's done without you...  Things you could have and should have shared with him that you never did.  That shit fucking hurts like hell.

I talked with him about all of this and, well, understandably, he was pissed at me.  I guess I'd be pissed too if I couldn't go to sleep and I was tired and hurting.  I just...  Wanted to get the matter from him straight and he just came off like I was accusing him of everything.  I wasn't...  I just...  Wanted to talk about it.  I was so upset with London and with myself that I wasn't even sure if I should cry or laugh at the absurdity. >>;;  I did end up crying though, a little...  Mostly because he sounded so mad at me. 

Just...  I want this thing with London to stop.  I want to know what went on between them because I have a niggling feeling that this is one of those "I-need-to-lie-to-you-to-protect-you" things and I really don't want to be protected...  I came clean with the cheating business and I just...  If such is the case, and even if it isn't, I hope he does the same.  It's driving me nuts.  It makes me waver when I think "I want to marry this man".  It makes me...  Break a little.

On another note, the whole backtracking thing...  Shit...  I missed so much.  And I feel so goddamn horrible it isn't even funny.  It's not funny that I forced him into this position but it's also deeply hurtful that he felt he really did have to hide his life from me.  I wish I wasn't such an idiot.  And I wish I had treated him better.  That, at least, I guess...  I can lay to rest.  Simply by saying that I will treat him better.  No question. 

He thinks I'm worrying about the past with all this...  But...  I'm not...  I'm really worrying about the future and how shaky I'll end up being...  I'm worried about how long this bullcrap with London will keep popping up before I can stop looking over my shoulder for her...  I mean hell, I'd JUST got over that BS before we broke up the first time and now here it is again, trying to ruin my goddamn fucking awesome relationship.

I just...  Don't know.  I don't know who to turn to because it's obviously bad to talk to him about this, since he's very sensitive about the subject, but...  Who else do I go to...?

This was Cute so I Stole It.

45 things a girl wants for but wont ask for.
1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.
Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.
KEEP READING ..
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.
Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her. 24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!
WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKE AND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US ..
26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.
29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.
31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.
REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT ..
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.
41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

 You’ll never know when she needs just a little more love ..

 ...

One man did this for me, once upon a time.  I hope that one day he'll look back and forgive me for what I did, stupidly sniping at him when I should have been yelling at my mother instead.  I hope he knows that I appreciate everything he's done for me.  I hope he knows that I really looked forward to a life together, and that I'm sorry that I couldn't give him what he asked for.  I hope...  I hope to Dis that he knows that I love him.  Always and forever.

I'm Not Important Enough to Spend Time With.

 This is driving me nuts.  I have a boyfriend.  The guy is supposed to love me.  Right?  Any person that's "Too busy" for me just doesn't deserve my time, right?  RIGHT?  Damnit.

My issue is... I kind of feel used. Sort of like I'm the one thing he goes to when he has nothing to fill into his schedule. School and handball, as one can imagine, take up a lot of his time. In fact, when we started dating he had explained to me that the reason why he hadn't really had too many girlfriends (Just one before me) was because he was "basically married to handball". I told him I'd try to understand and be supportive, and I think I've done pretty well so far.

I haven't said anything to him all these months, because I've always gotten the vibe that he's just a busy guy, with college and all, and he's VERY passionate about handball so I figure I'll be supportive. But he'll often invite me up (Which is an hour drive, at least a gallon of gas each time, and a gallon back) very late at night, like at ten. Then he'll attempt to have sex with me (Pending my mood), then go to bed (And hold me, and cuddle me for a while) then often enough I'll have to leave in the morning because "he has practice/school/a tournament/something".

I mean, being with him is nice. I know I'm lucky enough to even be able to see my boyfriend while others are states or even countries away, but, don't I deserve more than that? Yesterday evening, a day after he'd invited me up (And I went, and left, like he asked), I confronted him about it. I told him I think we've been dating long enough that I deserve a little bit more than that every time I come up, because if he misses me like he says then we should probably be doing something other than having sex and cuddling when I visit. Now, that's not to say that on break he isn't a sweetheart. He's just... A damn busy guy, always scheduling stuff with handball or friends or working out or.... Something. He responded saying he knows, and it upsets him too, but school and handball are just things he has to do.

And I understand that, of course. It's school and something he loves. But I feel like I deserve a little bit more than what I get. I'm not really complaining about his breaks because at least we get some time to ourselves then, but they're so few and far between that it's hard to focus on them. With the way he's "scheduling me in", I feel less like his girlfriend and more like his call girl.

I mean, I feel like I barely know the guy. He won't even talk to me about handball, while he'll talk about it with his friends and family, but to me he says "It's just hard to talk about it with someone who's not interested in sports, no offense". I guess I just want to be more of a part of his life, but I don't know what to do!