Let's Play Tug of War.

...I've got really good practice.

There's no other way I can describe my situation right now.  If I really wanted to, I could throw a hit to his pride and say he was bending over backwards for people he really shouldn't be doing that for.  I could say that he, I don't know, is trying to make up for the fact that he hit his friend in the head with a lead pipe.  I could say he's doing it to be nice because, well, he's gotta live with these people.  I could say a lot of things, but I won't.  I'll simply say that all of these things make me feel even more like shit every time they happen.

I can understand, I guess, "Placating" people.  My mother does it all the time.  My entire family does it all the time.  Hell, everybody does it all the time.  What exactly is it you do when you "Accept" someone's opinion?  You know in your heart that it isn't true unless you're presented with some incontrovertible evidence, hence you don't really accept it at all.  You say "Okay, that's fine, you believe that and I believe this.  Let's move on."  Or, alternatively, you do what I do and you argue your ass off until you find out which one of you is right, or one of you leaves out of sheer frustration.  It's not that we "accept" anything.  We're programmed by everyone who says "Be who you want to be" to NOT accept other peoples' opinions, and yet we're also brainwashed into 'playing nice" with our peers, and conforming to the niceties of the world.  This is where arguing ensues.  You're not sure what to do so you don't play nice and you seek the acceptance that "Being who you want to be" entails.  You think your way of life is right, and then you learn, "Well shit.  I fucked up."

The problem lies here: There are weak-willed people, and there are strong-willed people.  There are also hordes of people like the Church who will attempt to tell you what's right and wrong.  They are strong by default because they run on the support of their members and, well, you've got to be strong to be able to stomach the amount of absolute shit that they spoonfeed you when you're in Religion class.  Anyone who's been bullied knows that when the bully loses his cronies, shit goes down because the one who had support has now lost it, and doesn't know what to do, or how to think on his own. 

Inevitably, whether you're weak- or strong-willed, the truth will out.  Everyone told Columbus that the Earth was flat.  Well thank Dispater it isn't, otherwise most of the US Navy would be dead at this point.  However, for those more trivial manners, it's up to the ordinary people to solve their ordinary problems.  Here's where "Survival of the Fittest" really comes in.  When you're dealing with He-Said-She-Said, it's more often than not very hard to track down the source of whatever rumor's going about.  Thus, the people with a stronger drive to be "right", or the people with the stronger drive to know the truth will always win.  They will always win because they have the drive to find what they are looking for, or the weak will bow out because, well, they're weak.  They either don't want to deal with your bullshit or they don't know how to.  It's an imperfect system, but there you have it. 

If you follow me, then you can easily apply labels to those who I'm referring to.  The people pleasers, the ones who just want everything to be happy and gay are not necessarily weak-willed.  There are some very awesome people out there who literally fight for happiness, and more power to them.  But usually, when faced with someone more aggressive, they'll bow out because what they ultimately want is peace.  It is for this reason that they can so easily "Play nice" and ultimately lose their faces as individuals.  Peace is a very lonely place if you don't have friends to share it with, after all.  The problem is that when those "Peaceful" people have issues, they start dealing with it in a really bitchy manner.  Hence, they backstab.  Why?  Because a 100 lb lightweight isn't gonna go up against The Undertaker unless he's gone insane or has a death wish.  Yes, I've just made a wrestling reference.

There are then the outcasts -- the people that lean more toward "Be Myself" than "Let's All Get Along."  I used to have a lot of respect for these people before I realized, well shit, they're just a more bitter bunch that, all the same, still form cliques and seem to have that need for interaction that other people do.  There aren't a lot of people who are okay with losing their friends if it means that they've got the truth in their hands.  A lot of people would seemingly die without human interaction, and apparently that's a scientifically proven fact.  But the thing is, the truth should be more important than anything.  It should be more important than your dog.  It should be more important than your roommates.  It should be more important than your parents, that girl you had a crush on in Fifth grade and that shitty boss that you know you've got to please or else you won't get that ten dollar raise you've been wanting.  It should be more important.  I did some stupid shit for truth and ended up fucking myself in the ass because, ultimately, I ended up failing to tell it myself.  But that's what experience does.  Experience brings you to these types of realizations.

Have I digressed?  Oops.

The point is, telling the truth, at least, your version of the truth, is infinitely more important than pleasing someone, as it always should be.  Some people just don't get that, and I almost think that such is the case with TJ and I.  I don't know if I'm that person that he can't tell the truth to.  I don't know if he's hiding it from me because he loves me or if he really is defending me behind closed doors, and he just doesn't see that it either wasn't effective or...  I don't know.  But I'll tell you the truth the way I see it.

These people are not being very civil people.

There's something to be said for high schoolers: They may be brats, they may not be right, but at least they're real with you.   At least they'll look you in the eye and say "You are not my authority, and I do not answer to you."  There is NOTHING to be said for people who talk behind others' backs, who have a problem and don't bring it up, who complain without having a reason to.  I, meanwhile, have absolutely no way of reaching these people, because these people, well, frankly, won't listen to me.  They've had enough of me and they won't really budge on that because, uh, well, they haven't moved past high school.  They don't know that first impressions aren't something you should really fixate on.  If it was, well, I'd have kept a lot of friends from Giles.  First impressions don't work because you don't consistently keep that 'impression.'  No one is happy and polite and bubbly all the time.  You cannot expect anyone to be that way, and you cannot expect someone who firmly believes in being herself to even be that way at all, if that isn't the way she acts.  They also haven't gotten to that point where they know the difference between "Ignorance" and "Civility."  They don't know that outright ignoring that person in the hall when they say "Hi" to you is, in fact, more rude than when that person confronts you and asks what your problem is, because at least something can be accomplished by confrontation, if nothing else than to tie up loose ends and part ways. 

I have no idea why the one who is supposed to love me most in the world supports this behavior.

I'm not sure why the man who is supposed to defend my name and my honor sees it fit that others treat me this way.  Get it straight, I am not complaining.  But when I can't reach the people I want to reach (Because quite frankly, these people are ALLOWED to slam the door in my face, seeing as I'm consistently invading their territory), then who am I to turn to but the one link I have with them?  I'll say it again: This is not civility.  Civility is giving someone a smile and a wave when you're too cowardly to say 'hello'.  Civility is being able to make conversation instead of blatantly ignoring you and talking to your boyfriend instead.  Civility is everything my prissy, preppy mother taught me to do, and I do it for his sake, but I'm not going to continue doing it if he doesn't seem to care whether I do it or not.  It's quite easy to see that he doesn't, because he agrees with them on everything that I've done.  Everything that I've done has been bad. 

"Hey, Caitlyn ripped down this paper that I put up."  "Oh...  Um...  Yeah...  Yeah that was pretty bad."  Is not a defense.  That is agreement.  Or at the very least, that's a deer being caught in headlights.  Allow me to be a petulant brat here, and request that I have a boyfriend who will REALLY show that he loves me for who I am, and who will say "That's what she does, this is why." instead of agreeing that I've done something bad.  I wish that the man I'm in love with would stand up for me and tell the people I'm having a problem with, "You know what, that's who she is, and I love her for it, so you can either stuff it or suck my dick."  instead of agree that I "started that 'Hipster' thing" (I didn't.), "Started shit with our friends that she shouldn't have." (I didn't, and if their friends have such weak stomachs that they can't handle me when I'm being myself, we're all better off without them), or "Is morally corrupt." (I still stand by the fact that that 2000 dollars would have been wasted if I'd waited any more than five hours.)

I'll say this: It's their house.  And that's fine.  But if they pick fights with me then the fight isn't over until I'm dead and dust.  I, however, am not allowed to fight on their turf because they are the type of people who would rather avoid confrontations they can't handle rather than try and learn from their failure.  I need my boyfriend.  I need him to know that him agreeing with them is making me feel like shit.  I need him to know that if he wants to bend over backwards to please them then I need to go somewhere else, because I don't have the time or want to deal with people who haven't aged since they were sixteen.  I need the man who loves me to show that he loves me through everything.  That's what true love is.  That's what I'm continually searching for.  That's what I waited for.  If I can't have that...  Then why am I here?