ISSUE #1: I MISS THE FUCK OUT OF TJ REILLY.
This is not a surprise to me. I'm so attached to this guy that I doubt I'm going to stop missing him at all, or looking for clues as to whether he'll come back to me. He has been a friend, a lover, a [somewhat wayward] guidance, and all in all everything that I could ever ask for since the beginning of the '07 school year. I could not ask for a better person to have shaped my life. There's no denying it: I treated him horribly, and now there is nothing I can do but watch him (Seemingly) walk out of my life for the second time in a year. Some people seem not to grasp the sheer magnitude of how much this hurts me. I know that it's difficult for people to see (Outward appearances can be deceiving), but damnit, we loved each other. But right now, he just wants to be away from me. It will make it fucking difficult, if he wants contact again, to re-initiate said contact. On my end, it doesn't seem so. After all, I've had the same phone number since I started high school. He, on the other hand, will be moving out of his house, and switching phone companies (And thereby very likely losing the only connection to him that I have left). But, I have faith. I really do.
SOLUTION #2: Wait. If your horoscope, your gut, AND some of your friends say he'll probably come back... He'll probably come back. It doesn't mean you have to think about him every single day though.
IN THE MEANTIME: Work on your temper. Control it. See the counselors you promised yourself that you'd see. Try to distract yourself, but don't forget what could be waiting for you. After all, when has your horoscope ever failed you?
ISSUE #2:
This one stems straight from Dan. How happy I am seems to seriously affect how the relationship is going. I think I get this. He is a stable guy. I, by default, am not a stable girl. I'm not entirely sure how to keep looking at this, being as it just seems like we're at two different sides of the spectrum and that doesn't seem to want to change. This is one of the reasons I'm blogging about my issues in the first place. I don't want to drag him down (Which I am obviously doing) because I have so many crying jags I may as well be born underwater. In fact, I said to myself at the beginning of it all that I'd love to make him happy. I want to be one of those girlfriends that someone just can't stop thinking about. I'd like to be that person that my guy just wants to be with, all day, every day, if he can help it. Here's MY issue: If I'm to be happy, part of that means I should be happy with how the relationship is going, right? Okay. I half am, and half am not. Here's why.
I'M HAPPY BECAUSE:
-He's just all around an amazing guy.
-He's stable. Something I need after all the uncertainty. Much as I love TJ, we had a rollercoaster of a relationship.
-He seems to want to treat me well.
-He's cute. When I AM happy, we get along really well.
-He genuinely wants to see me get better.
-I think he's actually trying for this relationship to work.
I'M NOT HAPPY BECAUSE:
-As one would guess, long distance is kind of a killer. This should not be an issue because I've got a car and (Semi-frequent) income for gas. So, not really a problem.
-I don't think I'm totally happy with how our interests are panning out. It's not the fact that they're so different. We do have a couple things in common. It's more... I'm trying here. Really trying. Like, has anyone here ever actually heard of me watching a football game? No? And yet, I still watched the Bears lose yesterday. Meanwhile this guy doesn't seem to give two shits about what I'm into... I don't remember if he's ever even asked aside from the occasional "How's Capoeira going?", but that might just be my sleep-addled mind. Still... I feel as though there's an imbalance here. He would like me to, I think, stop trying, but that doesn't seem fair either. Newsflash: I DON'T WANT TO BE AT TWO ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. I'm well aware that people have gotten along just fine with different interests and that's all fine and dandy, but when I show some interest in YOURS, such as, BTW, going to HANDBALL and learning about it, I'd kind of like to see you take an interest in my life too. And not just "So how upset are you today?"
-How often do I hear the phrase "Just let it go" whenever I ask my boyfriend for advice? I've seen Evan say things like "Well maybe you should...", and I've seen TJ go "I'm gonna kick that motherfucker's ASS for messing with you, baby girl", so I've seen different reactions to my issues. But to him... I don't know. It doesn't seem as though he gives a care! I mean I'm sure he does, but I seem to have gotten used to his advice. So used to it, in fact, that I can now predict what's going to be said about the next time I come to him crying. And believe me, it's not going to be "Whose ass am I kicking today?". I know he's just not that kind of guy, but... Particularly when I'm having issues so bad that I literally can't sleep or I'll cry for thinking, I'd like to, you know, be comforted. Told everything will be okay. Something... Just... Something.
-I'll admit it, I'm... (Still) Not the happiest when it comes to time spent with my boyfriend. Mostly, I'm just not happy because, er, well, other things are more important right now. He has this funny thing where he "Disconnects" shit and rearranges all the things he needs and wants to do in accordance to how important it is to do them. Yes, I get it, school is definitely important. So, apparently, are sports. Just... Is it so bad to miss the guy that once told me it "hurts like we broke up or something" when I didn't get to see him on a come-home weekend? I don't seem to see that in him anymore, and that greatly saddens me. I love the fact that he calls and texts when he can, just... I don't want to feel like he doesn't feel that way anymore. We talked about this and seemed to have an argument over it once, but nothing (To me, at least) was accomplished. It was essentially "Take what I've got for you or leave if you don't like it", and then sex. I appreciate the fact that he took into consideration my issues with his time slots. I don't very much appreciate the way that the discussion ended. It makes me feel like I'm just one of many options to him. And, just FYI, I kind of like feeling like I'm a very important person in your life. Let me give you some real life experience on this particular issue, too. I asked a friend about it and s/he said, "Lady you're the lowest thing on the totem pole to him, and if you didn't put out, I doubt you'd be more important than flossing. If a man doesn't give you his time and his attention then you should seriously consider letting him go." Now, not only does this hurt like HELL (I mean, I trust this person with a shit ton of advice), but it seriously makes me wonder. What am I gonna have to do to get his attention, for example, crosses my mind a lot.
-He doesn't seem to want to talk to me. At least, not too much. I kind of have to dig if he's having a bad day, which is understandable, but then again I've got to dig a little MORE just to feel like, you know, we're an actual couple and not just having sex for the hell of it. This has seemingly been fixing itself lately, so again, not really an issue (Factoid: Apparently, if you want to tell someone you had a bad meal in Europe, you cross your silverware on the plate instead of leaving it parallel.)
-I think he either expects me to work out the above issues on my own (As in, get the fuck over them already) or for them to disappate over time. This has been really, REALLY bothering me lately, particularly because, well, he came to me not too long after TJ himself left, saying "I think we should be friends", because HEY, you had an issue with my time slots and said that maybe I was too busy for a girlfriend, so yeah I just thought I'd bring that up. Randomly. Ohmahgawd.. THANKFULLY, the danger was abated. But hey, if I'm going to be the only one talking about my issues... What the hell? Where is the communication here, exactly?
Okay, so now that we've covered all my "Where I Am With Dan" basics, I can safely say this: It takes two to tango. It really does. I'm pulling my weight here and I believe that he feels like he's pulling his weight as far as "I'm taking your shit, so please just settle for what I'm giving you, and while you're at it, PLEASE be happy?". But... Like, that's no basis for a relationship at all. I can be happy, I really can. But you've got to make me feel like that's where you want me to be. I can't just be thrown into your life one day out of the week, leave, miss you, rinse and repeat. Dan, PERSONALLY SPEAKING TO YOU, I need you to make me feel like I'm special to you, and I sincerely believe that it is possible to do even if I DO only happen to see you once a week. These issues have lumped themselves together so much that I can no longer find the strength or courage to speak to you about them in person. My preferred medium has always been the pen and paper, so understand it's not because I DIDN'T want to talk to you about these things, it's just that I get them out so much better if I can see the words I'm writing, be able to correct them, and make sure that you get the message I'm trying to convey.
Okay?
I'm getting the feeling here that his major issue is the fact that I'm so unhappy that it just makes it hard to be with me. Well Dan, I can't exactly be very HAPPY when it doesn't feel like you're trying for this relationship at all. I get that you are. In fact, that's why I've seriously considered going to my counselors for advice on it. But it can't just be me here. It really can't. It needs to be you helping me through these issues, trying to make me happy like I try to make you happy. If you need some help (Because I know, you've been asking me "How can I make you happy?" a lot lately), here it is:
-We can't now, but in the springtime, take some walks with me. A lot of the times when I come up, it feels like we're rushed for time. And we are. That's probably not the best way to go about it.
-Take me out more. I'm not specifically requesting it because I'm bored with you and the time we spend, but maybe you're right. It's something to try, and maybe it'll make me happier.
-What happened to that idea with the hotel and the video games? It seems to me we haven't really had time for ourselves... I think maybe sometime soon we should, you know, find some time to just be together.
-Please know that I know that you're busy. I kind of get that by the way you don't often see me more than once a week. However... I'd love to feel that you're at least attempting not to shove me to the side until you need to fuck somebody. I really am not sure how to go about this one, but obviously having that argument about it really doesn't help (I don't really take well to things when people yell at me or argue with me for them.). If it makes you feel any better, I've been feeling like this less and less lately, but to me it is still an issue.
-I get that you're quiet. Believe me, I am too. But... I'd like to just talk with you. A lot of the time you ask me what I want to do, and I don't answer and you (a day ago) sometimes end up just playing video games 'cause I'm just watching you. It doesn't make me feel so good that you'd rather quietly play video games than talk with me, but I'm never really sure how to go about saying that without offending you ('Cause, like I said, and I'm sure you've noticed, I'm pretty quiet myself.) And the reason why I can never really find a topic to talk about is:
-Why won't you tell me about yourself? Just telling me "It's a lot easier to talk with people who play Handball than it is to do so with someone who isn't interested in sports" (As only one example of many) doesn't make me feel very good at all. It makes me feel like I've got to be a handball player just to get to know you. If such is the case, please tell me so. Otherwise, I hope that you'll open yourself up to me a lot more than "So what movies do you like?" without my prodding. Believe me, I've been agonizing over this a lot, and if you want one of the prime reasons that I am NOT very happy, with myself or with how we're going, this would be one of them. I get that it's apparently not easy for you, but I share my passions with you all the time. I think it's about time you did the same. Let me in.
-Please don't be distant anymore. I know this one in particular is my fault, but if I'm gonna be happy I'm going to get there a lot easier if you hold me and talk to me just like you used to when we first started going out. Trust me, you saw a lot of crying, but at home, I was really happy >>;;. I don't know if it's because you're too busy or you just plain don't feel how you did before but, I miss when you used to bug me with calls and texts about when you'd get to see me. Little things like that.
-What hurts the most is that if I show you this post and this list, I don't think anything will change. I'm actually afraid to do so because when I do, I get a really good feeling that you're just gonna be like "I just don't have the time. Just accept it, etc etc". And the thing is, I've tried. But it hurts more that you won't even seem to try to bend a little than it does to keep all this to myself, so, I haven't talked about any of it... When I come to you with issues about us, please make me feel like you consider it a problem instead of just brushing it off because you know you don't have the time.. Even if you know that you don't, the consideration would make me so much happier. And please, I'm not asking you to change, just... I don't even know. I'm too afraid to ask you for things now.
-There are more, but I'm really bloody tired as I only got around four hours of sleep again. If you see me during the day, ask me then. I'm sure I'll have an armload of things to tell you.
I've just spent two hours writing this post and my issues still aren't finished. At least, though, the more prominent ones have been put down for me to read and review. This post will be continued... When I'm not so fucking tired.
