Fuck This Shit

I am so FUCKING TIRED of people and their SHIT MEMORIES. You guys need to fix yourselves instead of trying to fight a losing battle with me. If you love me, if you care about me, TAKE SOME FUCKING MEDICATION, WRITE THE BULLSHIT DOWN OR JUST FUCKING TAKE A HINT AND COMMIT WHAT I SAY TO MEMORY. IT ISNT THAT BLOODY HARD. I'm tired of having arguments with almost everybody I know because they can't be bothered to remember what I have to say.  FUCK YOU PEOPLE.  I am NOT going to start carrying a recorder just because you don't know how to remember shit.  If you want me in your lives, then shit better start to change, or I will make the hard choice for us and LEAVE, because clearly I am not important in your lives. If I was, YOU WOULD REMEMBER MY WORDS.

FUCK. THIS. BULLSHIT.

Catching Up

Lots of things have happened since I've last updated.  Two big stress-makers have gone away, at least for the remainder of the year, new stress comes to take their place, and, oh, I have a new job.

I think I lost my job at Macy's, anyway >>;;.  They haven't been scheduling me at all.

My new job is at American Eagle Airlines.  I'm ecstatic!  Not kidding -- this is exactly what I'd been hoping for when I made this post.  What's left now?  Distribute my resume, get my foot into writing and establish seniority at American Eagle so that I'll be able to keep my sanity for those always-rare off days and vacations.  There's my life set up.  Now I just have to make sure I can do it.

On subject of my love life, today marks four years since TJ and I got together.  I'm proud of us; we've come so far from those two teenagers in a park.  I think I'm still paranoid.  I think he can still be an ass.  But I love him.  I think he loves me, too.

The other day we were having an argument about nicknames...  I still don't know what's become of that because...  I want to think that he realizes how important that name is to me; I think I get how important it is to him and how different it is when it comes from her...  But it's special.  It's ours.  I don't want to share it with anyone, especially not with another woman.  I don't care what the meaning is.

I don't really know if that means I've put our love before TJ himself...  But I know that no one else, NOTHING else comes before those things.  That's the way life is supposed to be.  You put the one you love the most and the things you share before anyone else.  Before anything.  At least...  That's the way it's supposed to be.  He promised me he'd take care of it, so, I'm waiting.

I bought him a watch for our anniversary.  It's fitting -- he bought me my watch some time ago.  Hopefully these will keep for a really long time.

This post looks hobjobbed and not at all like how I normally write...  I think my brain is too scattered to coherently put together sentences.  I just know that there are things I need to do and people that I need to take care of.  And I'll keep this blog updated as to how that process is going.  Sorry it took so long for me to come back.

What the Hell is This?

Okay.

...Okay?

I'm sorry, I love cats was rather put off by this awkward display of emotion. I wanted to share the... love Awkwardness.

People find really weird shit to go viral with.  I mean honestly, E3 and the horrors it brings are enough.

Let's Talk About...

How...  Odd it feels to be told that I'm somebody's "everything", but then realize that every Facebook status he updates, every blog post he makes, are about anything except me.

Actually, I take that back.  That one about arguing with a dumb bitch, that was me...  That one about never wanting to talk to me again and "Why the fuck did you call me at work", that was me...  The one about being "stalked", that was me...  The one about how he couldn't believe he gave up fifty dollars, that was me (And damn, but I had been hoping that he'd actually wanted to do something nice for me, but now I know in the back of his mind he was thinking what a stupid fucking decision it was, and that feels horrible)...  The one about how he could finally listen to our song without "wanting to erase the past three years of his life", that was me too...  And afterward, after all that, one single post made me smile.  And that was about having St. Patrick's Day dinner with his family and me.  Not even the one where we were at Chili's was about me.  It was about a song that was playing.  Hmm.  But at least I was mentioned there.

What am I getting at here?  If I'm your everything, then why are your thoughts all over the place except for me?  If I'm your everything, then how come the only facebook statuses (That don't sound like you want to bite someone's head off, again, me) that are positive are about your friends?  If I'm your everything, then how come you introduced your FRIENDS in the first blog post you ever made, but when I asked you why I was never mentioned, you said you "Don't write about your daily life in this blog"?  By the way, that journal you claimed to have that was filled with thoughts about me that you conveniently "lost" a couple of years ago probably should have been found the day you moved out...  Guess that wasn't real either...

I'm writing about this because I woke up at four in the morning crying over it.  I think maybe I'm coming off as a little whiny, but it worries me.  It worries me because honestly, if I'm your everything and you've personally told me that you want to shout your love from the rooftops...  Why aren't you doing it?  What's keeping you from announcing your love?  What's keeping you from talking about me?  Why are you hiding me?

It also makes me a little jealous...

Because I see Tomasa talking about her boyfriend all the time, and how they love each other, and how he's amazing...  Because I see other people talking to their SO's over Facebook and meanwhile I haven't heard a peep from mine, like he thinks that nothing I ever write about is interesting...  Because I read blog posts where wives are cooking or hanging out or even dieting with their husbands and they seem so...  Happy.  They seem like they're "together".  They don't seem separated.  I feel separated.

I feel as though this relationship is trying to work from two different sides that aren't willing to come together anymore.  I feel like he isn't willing to reach out to me where I'm willing to reach out to him (But at least we talked about that one, and he's willing to let me support him now).  Because of those facebook statuses I know that everything he told me when we were first dating was a lie.  He didn't think the world of me, he was turning around and letting all his friends know just what sort of retarded bitch I was, for all to see, on Facebook.  And I wouldn't be surprised if he had been constantly complaining to them about me while he was secretly hanging out with them, too.

And now...  While we're dating again...  Shouldn't he be announcing his refound love for me?  Shouldn't he at least have let people know how much he missed me?  Shouldn't he be talking about how he enjoys spending time with me, or the things we do together?  Shouldn't he be talking about how much I make him smile, or how happy I make him, or...  Something?

I guess...  I guess I'm just not noteworthy enough to talk about.  Certainly not more noteworthy than a cardboard cutout of Snoop Dogg in his room, or a couple of turret plushies.  I so dearly wish I was, though.  I really wish I was his everything.

It Was Bound to Happen Eventually.

Yes... I've created a new blog.

It's called Modern Cave Scrawls.  I think it's pretty nifty, dunno about you.

The entire thing will be documenting my adventures in Paleo.  I wanna be able to see where it goes, even if I do end up quitting or going off-track eventually.  I want a place to put the records.

You're (Whoever you are) all free to go check it out, follow it, stalk it, do what you do best.  I hope you enjoy the layout, too.  Leather?  Yeeeeeah.

Dear FDA: We Hate You Too.

Amish Snow. White Lightning. Horse-N-Buggy-Chug-a-Luggy. Those are just a few of the street names the kids are using when trying to get their raw Amish dairy fix. Luckily, the FDA staged an early morning raid on suspected Amish Milk smugglers. The Amish tried to go all Tony Montana on the brave federal agents trying to put the kibosh on illegal unpasteurized milk distribution rings, but alas, the feds prevailed. The community is once again safe from these bearded menaces.

First, they busted girl scouts selling cookies on street corners. Then they shut down little kids’ lemonade stands as well as people selling extra veggies out of their backyard gardens to neighbors. Now there is a federal case against Amish dairy farmers selling dangerous raw milk contraban. Thank God for the FDA protecting us from girl scouts, children, gardeners, little old ladies trying to board airplanes, and now Amish milk smugglers.

The FDA claims raw milk is a dangerous substance that should “never be consumed by anyone at any time.” Do I need to point out the ridiculousness and hypocrisy here? They actually hand out subsidies for corn, wheat, and sugar. They practically shove high-fructose corn syrup, food dyes, artificial sweeteners, mercury filled vaccines, and statins down our throats- yet they act like Amish farmers are selling jugs of plutonium! I don’t really do much dairy at all myself, but seriously….

This has NOTHING to do with your safety or well-being, it is about money (noticing a pattern here?). The Amish are simply cutting into the big agra-government racket. They just want their cut, and they want to send a clear message that THEY are in control.

Here is a link to the story in the Washington Times.

From Rachel @ Paleo Freedom.

We're Going Paleo!

Thirty days of strict, no-nonsense Paleo diet with TJ should leave me feeling fit and raring to go once I get back in the swing of Capoeira.  I'll hopefully be able to get there if I bag this job at American Airlines (I still doubt, but we'll see.  I don't know how hard it could be...)

I loaded up on carbs this past weekend because I was a stupidhead.  Right now I feel a little lightheaded and sleepy.  I have some slight muscle pain in my biceps and my lower back.  What did I eat to deserve this?  Pizzas, fries, and a little bit of Ramen while my mother wasn't looking.

Wish me luck on this quest of mine.  I'm hoping to be able to go Paleo and not look back after these thirty days, so I'm crossing my fingers for the mood changes, weight loss and better eyesight that came with it last time.

Oh, and remind me to blog for these thirty days.  I really need to keep track of this shit.

Get-Out-of-This-Hellhole 101

There are some times when a momma bird (In this case, a vulture) won't give a baby bird his or her wings.  She's defunct in the brain and instead of teaching her child how to fly, ends up coddling the poor little shit instead.  The baby bird thusly becomes fat, falls out of its nest and dies because it either was too overindulged or was eaten by a wild coyote because it didn't know how to fend for itself.

I don't want this to happen to me.

When I was little, my mother once predicted that I would be the "independent" one.  I can see it in effect right now.  My brother, with his wife and 1.5 kids and big suburban house, is thirty and still has to ask my mother for help and/or advice.  I understand that with this economy, people need to seek help where it is given, but at this point my brother should have been able to pay for his own wedding.  He shouldn't have to ask my mother to help him pay his mortgage, or his bills, ESPECIALLY his phone bills.

But it goes farther back than that.  The roots of this family tree are permanently soiled, diseased and rotting and dying hellish deaths.  I'm serious -- my grandparents are so far in debt that they can barely see, and yet, none of my family realizes that once they're gone, all that debt will be pushed onto their shoulders.  They don't seem to get that all those credit card bills, all those missed insurance payments, all those electric bills have got to go somewhere, and that they are where they're going to go.

It's already tried to pull me down twice: I haven't been able to pay for college, pay for ANYTHING, really, because I already have 18k of debt on my shoulders.  You can thank my mother for that, and her inability to follow through when it comes to, oh, say, PUTTING HER DAUGHTER THROUGH A COMPLETE EDUCATION.  I went to Columbia.  I even stooped so low as to go to Triton, and even that didn't work.  I'm still in debt.  Debt that I'm going to have to pay off 'til I'm forty or fifty and well past the prime age for working.  This is why I need to get out of here.

Of course, my first step is getting a job.  Any job.  In fact, since most of the job offers out there are part time ones, maybe it would be smarter for me to nab two just in case.  After that I'm going to need to save.  It's recommended that you save at least two thousand ($2000) for emergency expenses and/or deposit before you move away from home, but in this case I'm thinking I'm just gonna save as much as I can before February 2012.  And we'll see where it goes from there.

Come February 2012, I'm going to have (Hopefully) already transfered the title on my car to...  Myself.  Since it's in my grandfather's name, he can legally send someone out to steal it from me if he really wanted to.  To be fair, I'm going to be hurting them pretty badly by moving out like this, but I really need that car, and it's supposed to be mine, anyway.  This also means I'm going to be paying off the rest of the car, which started at somewhere around 19k.

February 2012 is also my goal for moving house.  Cross your fingers -- I really hope I get out of here by then, and I hope to Dis it doesn't snow like it has this year.  Moving house means I need storage.  I need to throw shit away.  I need to pack up my boxes.  And I need to do all of this without them noticing.  If they notice, they're going to wonder WTF I'm doing, and then all of my efforts will be shot to hell.  When I'm already out, I can turn away the police officer that turns up at my door.  But before that?  I'm an adult, but there's no question they'd send my brother to tail me as long as they aren't satisfied I'm not being a good little house slave.

There's more to this.  So much more.  Kinda like: Should I take Geisha with me or not?  I don't want to see her abused, but I probably won't be able to afford her either.  Am I gonna be able to afford capoeira?  Probably not.  As a matter of fact, I probably wont' be able to afford most ANYTHING those first couple of months, as long as I have to pay for that car.

Even foregoing all that: Where will I go?  Will I be able to stay in the less expensive suburbs, or will I be made to return to Chicago?  I'd love to, but I don't know where.  I guess I should dust off those old research skills...

Actually, before we get into all that, how about the issue of my birth certificate?  I know who has it.  They rooted through my car when they took it into the shop, and now all I can do is either look for it or get a new one.  I'm thinking I'm gonna get a passport, too.  After all, the more identification I have, the better.

On subject of the car, I really love this:

Illinois Title Transfers
What to Do if I don't Have the TItle

I need to get all of these things in motion...  I guess that means, since it's the only thing I can do right now, I need to procure some cardboard boxes and start storing all my shit somewhere else.

A Lady and Her Shoes...

There are many times when you need the protection and security of a shoe or boot. Like all things in life, there is a balance, and Vibram FiveFingers® provides a healthy alternative to traditional footwear. Wearing FiveFingers for fitness training, running, water sports or just for fun will make your feet stronger and healthier—naturally.

That's a pretty bold claim, for a shoe that looks like it doesn't help you any.

I saw one of my friends wearing these a long time ago and, like some of you, I wondered, "WTF are those?"  It was by chance that I managed to find them again via Nerd Fitness, a blog that I follow infrequently.  They are called Vibram Fivefingers, and I believe that they'd be more than perfect for practicing Capoeira.

Capoeira is a naturally barefoot sport.  You've got to have that maneuverability that most shoes (Like Nike) don't allow.  And if they do, it's supposedly not very healthy for you.  Sucks for us, right?

I, however, am still recovering from a serious bout of Athlete's foot.  I'm not about to trust myself going around in a gym where fifty or so people sweat, stomp, and generally look badass every day.  Why?  Because I don't want them somehow gaining my disease, and I'd rather not have to deal with this horrible fungus ever again.  But playing with shoes is hard because normal athletic shoes don't allow you to jump around, do cartwheels, and slip and fall on your ass when you need to.  Believe me, I tried.

So I'm thinking I'd really love to blow $100 and pick up a pair of these, which are supposed to be awesomely healthy for you and promote going barefoot in sports at the same time.  They're also going to be a crazy fashion statement.  I'm killing three birds with one stone!

PS: For extra fun, read this blog post by Nerd Fitness and see how these foot-gloves hold up when you trek across Australia.  I can tell you that the $170 gym shoes that you bought at Payless would probably be torn up and sodden with mud by the time you finished.

Let's Play Tug of War.

...I've got really good practice.

There's no other way I can describe my situation right now.  If I really wanted to, I could throw a hit to his pride and say he was bending over backwards for people he really shouldn't be doing that for.  I could say that he, I don't know, is trying to make up for the fact that he hit his friend in the head with a lead pipe.  I could say he's doing it to be nice because, well, he's gotta live with these people.  I could say a lot of things, but I won't.  I'll simply say that all of these things make me feel even more like shit every time they happen.

I can understand, I guess, "Placating" people.  My mother does it all the time.  My entire family does it all the time.  Hell, everybody does it all the time.  What exactly is it you do when you "Accept" someone's opinion?  You know in your heart that it isn't true unless you're presented with some incontrovertible evidence, hence you don't really accept it at all.  You say "Okay, that's fine, you believe that and I believe this.  Let's move on."  Or, alternatively, you do what I do and you argue your ass off until you find out which one of you is right, or one of you leaves out of sheer frustration.  It's not that we "accept" anything.  We're programmed by everyone who says "Be who you want to be" to NOT accept other peoples' opinions, and yet we're also brainwashed into 'playing nice" with our peers, and conforming to the niceties of the world.  This is where arguing ensues.  You're not sure what to do so you don't play nice and you seek the acceptance that "Being who you want to be" entails.  You think your way of life is right, and then you learn, "Well shit.  I fucked up."

The problem lies here: There are weak-willed people, and there are strong-willed people.  There are also hordes of people like the Church who will attempt to tell you what's right and wrong.  They are strong by default because they run on the support of their members and, well, you've got to be strong to be able to stomach the amount of absolute shit that they spoonfeed you when you're in Religion class.  Anyone who's been bullied knows that when the bully loses his cronies, shit goes down because the one who had support has now lost it, and doesn't know what to do, or how to think on his own. 

Inevitably, whether you're weak- or strong-willed, the truth will out.  Everyone told Columbus that the Earth was flat.  Well thank Dispater it isn't, otherwise most of the US Navy would be dead at this point.  However, for those more trivial manners, it's up to the ordinary people to solve their ordinary problems.  Here's where "Survival of the Fittest" really comes in.  When you're dealing with He-Said-She-Said, it's more often than not very hard to track down the source of whatever rumor's going about.  Thus, the people with a stronger drive to be "right", or the people with the stronger drive to know the truth will always win.  They will always win because they have the drive to find what they are looking for, or the weak will bow out because, well, they're weak.  They either don't want to deal with your bullshit or they don't know how to.  It's an imperfect system, but there you have it. 

If you follow me, then you can easily apply labels to those who I'm referring to.  The people pleasers, the ones who just want everything to be happy and gay are not necessarily weak-willed.  There are some very awesome people out there who literally fight for happiness, and more power to them.  But usually, when faced with someone more aggressive, they'll bow out because what they ultimately want is peace.  It is for this reason that they can so easily "Play nice" and ultimately lose their faces as individuals.  Peace is a very lonely place if you don't have friends to share it with, after all.  The problem is that when those "Peaceful" people have issues, they start dealing with it in a really bitchy manner.  Hence, they backstab.  Why?  Because a 100 lb lightweight isn't gonna go up against The Undertaker unless he's gone insane or has a death wish.  Yes, I've just made a wrestling reference.

There are then the outcasts -- the people that lean more toward "Be Myself" than "Let's All Get Along."  I used to have a lot of respect for these people before I realized, well shit, they're just a more bitter bunch that, all the same, still form cliques and seem to have that need for interaction that other people do.  There aren't a lot of people who are okay with losing their friends if it means that they've got the truth in their hands.  A lot of people would seemingly die without human interaction, and apparently that's a scientifically proven fact.  But the thing is, the truth should be more important than anything.  It should be more important than your dog.  It should be more important than your roommates.  It should be more important than your parents, that girl you had a crush on in Fifth grade and that shitty boss that you know you've got to please or else you won't get that ten dollar raise you've been wanting.  It should be more important.  I did some stupid shit for truth and ended up fucking myself in the ass because, ultimately, I ended up failing to tell it myself.  But that's what experience does.  Experience brings you to these types of realizations.

Have I digressed?  Oops.

The point is, telling the truth, at least, your version of the truth, is infinitely more important than pleasing someone, as it always should be.  Some people just don't get that, and I almost think that such is the case with TJ and I.  I don't know if I'm that person that he can't tell the truth to.  I don't know if he's hiding it from me because he loves me or if he really is defending me behind closed doors, and he just doesn't see that it either wasn't effective or...  I don't know.  But I'll tell you the truth the way I see it.

These people are not being very civil people.

There's something to be said for high schoolers: They may be brats, they may not be right, but at least they're real with you.   At least they'll look you in the eye and say "You are not my authority, and I do not answer to you."  There is NOTHING to be said for people who talk behind others' backs, who have a problem and don't bring it up, who complain without having a reason to.  I, meanwhile, have absolutely no way of reaching these people, because these people, well, frankly, won't listen to me.  They've had enough of me and they won't really budge on that because, uh, well, they haven't moved past high school.  They don't know that first impressions aren't something you should really fixate on.  If it was, well, I'd have kept a lot of friends from Giles.  First impressions don't work because you don't consistently keep that 'impression.'  No one is happy and polite and bubbly all the time.  You cannot expect anyone to be that way, and you cannot expect someone who firmly believes in being herself to even be that way at all, if that isn't the way she acts.  They also haven't gotten to that point where they know the difference between "Ignorance" and "Civility."  They don't know that outright ignoring that person in the hall when they say "Hi" to you is, in fact, more rude than when that person confronts you and asks what your problem is, because at least something can be accomplished by confrontation, if nothing else than to tie up loose ends and part ways. 

I have no idea why the one who is supposed to love me most in the world supports this behavior.

I'm not sure why the man who is supposed to defend my name and my honor sees it fit that others treat me this way.  Get it straight, I am not complaining.  But when I can't reach the people I want to reach (Because quite frankly, these people are ALLOWED to slam the door in my face, seeing as I'm consistently invading their territory), then who am I to turn to but the one link I have with them?  I'll say it again: This is not civility.  Civility is giving someone a smile and a wave when you're too cowardly to say 'hello'.  Civility is being able to make conversation instead of blatantly ignoring you and talking to your boyfriend instead.  Civility is everything my prissy, preppy mother taught me to do, and I do it for his sake, but I'm not going to continue doing it if he doesn't seem to care whether I do it or not.  It's quite easy to see that he doesn't, because he agrees with them on everything that I've done.  Everything that I've done has been bad. 

"Hey, Caitlyn ripped down this paper that I put up."  "Oh...  Um...  Yeah...  Yeah that was pretty bad."  Is not a defense.  That is agreement.  Or at the very least, that's a deer being caught in headlights.  Allow me to be a petulant brat here, and request that I have a boyfriend who will REALLY show that he loves me for who I am, and who will say "That's what she does, this is why." instead of agreeing that I've done something bad.  I wish that the man I'm in love with would stand up for me and tell the people I'm having a problem with, "You know what, that's who she is, and I love her for it, so you can either stuff it or suck my dick."  instead of agree that I "started that 'Hipster' thing" (I didn't.), "Started shit with our friends that she shouldn't have." (I didn't, and if their friends have such weak stomachs that they can't handle me when I'm being myself, we're all better off without them), or "Is morally corrupt." (I still stand by the fact that that 2000 dollars would have been wasted if I'd waited any more than five hours.)

I'll say this: It's their house.  And that's fine.  But if they pick fights with me then the fight isn't over until I'm dead and dust.  I, however, am not allowed to fight on their turf because they are the type of people who would rather avoid confrontations they can't handle rather than try and learn from their failure.  I need my boyfriend.  I need him to know that him agreeing with them is making me feel like shit.  I need him to know that if he wants to bend over backwards to please them then I need to go somewhere else, because I don't have the time or want to deal with people who haven't aged since they were sixteen.  I need the man who loves me to show that he loves me through everything.  That's what true love is.  That's what I'm continually searching for.  That's what I waited for.  If I can't have that...  Then why am I here?

Fascinating.

I am Petitioning Stoner Vids.

Before I go on this potentially VERY LONG RANT...  I just want to say WOO, new blog.  I think it fits Dis a lot better than the old layout, considering...  Well, the old layout reminded me of church and all things perfect and holy and...  Giles-y.  Let's not go there, but I'm glad I changed the layout.  Aren't you?

So yes.  Stoner vids.

I'm sure many of you enjoy a good laugh once in a while.  Sometimes, it's at the expense of Wile E. Coyote.  Sometimes, it's because that one classmate you hate just hit himself in the face with his pen.  And sometimes...  Well, sometimes you've just got to have a great big guffaw in the general public's direction.

I don't know, but I think 'Your Highness' just kind of spat in King Arthur's face.  For fun.  I don't take kindly to that.

I'm not sure what I expected when I walked into this movie.  I knew the type of audience it would draw and I was apprehensive at best (Because...  Does anybody here actually picture me as willingly walking into this type of movie?)  But for some reason, the bastards at Cinemark decided not to show 'Arthur' this week.   Hence, we decided we'd settle for this...  Erm...  [Insert nicer term than 'Abomination' here.]

Those of you reading this are probably aware that your tastes in humor and my tastes in humor greatly differ (If not, then kudos.)  We can thusly infer that while you would probably be sitting through this movie either giggling your arse off or shaking your head in amusement, I would either be stewing silently beside you or dropping my jaw in awe of the debacle that has managed to sweep the nation's movie theaters, however briefly that may be.

Thankfully, the critics agree with me.  Rotten Tomatoes (Bless them) gave this film a 25% on its ratings.  I'm choosing to blatantly ignore the 50% of users who did like it, because, well, most of the population tends to need to wear dunce caps on a daily basis in the first place.  Roger Ebert, whom everyone should know lest I chop off your necessary bits and feed them to the general populace for sheer stupidity, said:

"Your Highness" is a juvenile excrescence that feels like the work of 11-year-old boys in love with dungeons, dragons, warrior women, pot, boobs and four-letter words. One of the heroes even wears the penis of a minotaur on a string around his neck. I hate it when that happens.

 And...  Well, he's right.  Though I did somehow manage to find the idea of wearing a minotaur's penis around my neck morbidly amusing, the film was just...  Bad.  The humor was bad.  The lewd visuals and less-than-charming script were bad.  The actors, some of whom I adore (Natalie Portman: HOW COULD YOU?) were bad.  Even the fight scenes were bad.  Bad.  Bad.  Just...  Bad.

But wait, just how bad is it?  Let's see what good ol' Ebert has to say about Portman's performance:

Natalie Portman is the Xena clone, a fierce warrior, laid on for anime fans who seem to regard such characters as masturbatory fantasies. She too has no personality, although she has more dialogue, all of it expressing cliches of steely determination.

Oh shit, that's pretty fucking bad.  Not to mention, those poor boys who would regard her character as material for 'masturbatory fantasy' would probably find themselves dickless within three seconds if her character (Isabel, if you really must know) ever found out.  I love Ebert for pretty much blatantly saying "GO OUT AND GET LAID FOR REALS INSTEAD OF WATCHING SHITTY MOVIES."

I could be wrong.  Maybe I'm being too hard.  Maybe I should watch it again just to make double, triple sure I'm not going to be buying this movie for Christmas?

...Or maybe I just need to smoke AN ENTIRE FIELD OF CANNABIS to properly enjoy it?

Nevertheless, I had fun.  There was a mechanical bird named Simon and a squire named Courtney that funnily enough reminded me of a girl from Giles that would fit nicely in this setting.  So I guess this film wasn't all bad.

Portal... 2?

I am a novelist.  By definition, this means I write novels.  In colloquial terms, this means I write.  I use my imagination to create things an ordinary, stagnant human being can't (And believe me, there are a lot of ordinary, stagnant people.  How many of you are couch potatoes?)  Allow me to use this extraordinary mind of mine to break down the essence of Portal 2 for you:

This long-awaited sequel is, in essence, Portal.

Okay, I admit: I was looking forward to solving a couple more puzzles after I cracked my wrists and watched GlaDOS extinguish a candle on a cake (For those of you who don't like spoilers, suck it.)  They were fun.  Not challenging, not easy.  Average.  Just like your everyday gamer's intelligence.  I thusly expected an average story and got one, then rode easily on my boyfriend's fanboyish excitement for Portal 2, which, funny enough, was coming out the next day.

When I started, I played Co-Op, and that gave me high hopes for the rest of the game.  We (That is, my boyfriend and I) spent somewhere close to three hours horsing around with Atlas and P-Body, managing to have fun despite the fact that it was...  Oh, four or five in the morning.  I do consider the Co-Op version of  the game a huge success, and I look forward to actually completing the campaign, should I have the time.

The single-player mode, to my discovery, was a huge disappointment.  Let me show you what I mean:

Look familiar?  It really shouldn't.

Portal 2 is a downright copy of its predecessor, right down to the...  Well, I can't tell you that, since most of my readers haven't even finished the game yet.  Suffice to say there are very little surprises here, and the ones that exist...  Leave much to be desired.  Essentially, you are paying $40-$60 for a total remake with one or two new characters, the same soundtrack, and larger (But unfortunately, not more complicated) puzzles.  Don't get me wrong, you will giggle, and the characters are still charming, but the OMFG-COOL plot and the OH-SHIT game mechanics have died and passed on to the Aperture Science Facilities in the sky.  I hope you like reruns, because that's what I paid for.

By the way, in case any of you are wondering what I think a REAL sequel is like, it should be something like:

Sonic Adventure and Sonic Adventure 2: Battle (He's on a beach.  Eggman is in space.  ZOMG DIFFERENT SETTINGS ARE WIN.)

Or...

In case you're wondering, YES, Phantom Hourglass IS a sequel to Wind Waker.

In short, meloves, VIDEO GAMES CAN HAVE AMAZING SEQUELS.  You just have to root out the ones that don't.  Or, continue playing until you become a mindless drone -- something I'm sure many people are doing with Mortal Kombat right now.  Portal and its successor are all good and fun, but in the future, Valve, please attempt to give me something new to do instead of sit and shoot holes at things.

(On a side note, the game theme song isn't as good as Portal's original "Still Alive', either.)

What Can One Do...?

In my position, it's difficult and frankly painful to think of any way to be able to "move around" in terms of careers.  I fucked myself over not getting a job in high school, and I know that.  I shouldn't have depended on my mother to get me through Columbia or Triton.  But I think I've finally come up with a solid plan.

Working at the airlines isn't the most glamorous job.  The thing is, it gives you a lot of flexibility.  As an agent, I'd be able to switch days, take vacation, etc.  This means I'd at least be able to obtain an online degree, which I'd love to get in either Journalism or Editing.  With that under my belt, I'm thinking I'd blog in my free time -- probably travel blogging, should time permit.  It just makes sense since the traveling technically would be free and I wouldn't have to put much effort into it.

Fifteen years under the head of an airline gets you a pension.  I really don't mind that at all, since it's been advised to me that two pensions is better than one for some reason.  If ever I decide that the airlines isn't for me after that point, I can (And probably will) quit to pursue a career in Journalism, Editing, Publishing, or even Writing.  I think I'd be set for life then.

So, to sum it up:

-Obtain a career in an airline (This is the one foot in the door that I know I have)
-Get an online degree in Journalism, Editing, or Publishing
-Blog in your free time to get your foot in the door (For writing)
-If you wish, quit the airlines, obtain the pension (~15 years of work), and use your news articles from blogging to obtain a career in the writing industry.

Sound like a solid plan?  I hope it is.

The Shit You Do...

I woke up today thinking 'I need to be with TJ today.'  Not for my benefit, not for his. For ours.  I felt horrible after this weekend - we'd had such terrible fights that our time together ended on a bittersweet note.  Now, I've been kicked out of my boyfriend's house and am currently sitting in a parking lot waiting for the sun to rise because frankly, I have nowhere else to go. The only thing I can do is write, sort out my feelings and move when the cops tell me to. While I'm here, I guess I should be productive and fill you in.

It started out fine. I felt like we were gonna move on from what we had done after all those make ups. I told myself, and him, that the reason I was here was to support him. Fair enough?

He got sick. We were okay in the car. We were okay until that conversation. It all went wrong there.  And from this point, there is no fairer way to sort this out than by factually stating everything that happened.

Point: he's sick and didn't need that
Point: I would have kept it to myself if he hadn't asked

Score: TJ. He asked, and it was against better judgment to tell him when I know he erupts when he's sick.

Point: I don't know the situation
Point: the problem wasn't about carmen at all.

Score: TJ/1, Cat/1. He assumed I was sticking up for her but he knows better than to do that. I don't stick up for people I don't know. The problem was about how his reaction might reflect on our relationship.

Point: Ludicrous.
Point: WTF.

Score: TJ/1, Cat/2. Here's where the fun starts. True, maybe he didn't mean that my problem was stupid, but the way he phrased it ["This is ludicrous."] Was pretty bad, and he didn't elaborate on the fact that it wasn't me until the end. I have reason to go WTF here. He told me he would stop, and he didn't.

Point: Eviction
Point: THAT is ludicrous

Score: TJ/2, Cat/2. Technically, I should have gone. But it was irritating how he wasn't seeing my side of the story, just what he assumed I was saying.

Point: listen to me
Point: listen to me

Score: TJ/3, Cat/3. We both should have listened. I tried, but felt he didn't.

Point: I already know what you're gonna say, I don't wanna hear anymore because its stupid
Point: you asked me the question and you don't know what I was gonna say at all

Score: TJ/3, Cat/4. He did ask me a question. He then threw the incomplete answer in my face without hearing me out.

Point: you're being pathetic
Point: let me stay

Score: TJ/3, Cat/5. This would go to TJ because yes, begging him to stay isn't exactly cool in my book either. But at this point it feels like manipulation on his part, because he knew I had nowhere to go.  If I leave my house and don't come back before midnight, I simply can't go back until the next day. Both the way he acted in kicking me out and the way he was talking to me felt very close to abuse, and I don't take kindly to my loved one calling me pathetic.

Point: you're trying to control me
Point: no I'm not

Score: TJ/ 3, Cat/6. I don't even know how that leap was made. If anyone was controlling anyone it was him controlling me.

Point: you're being childish
Point: no I'm not

Score: TJ/4, Cat/6. I'm giving him this one because I don't really think I was, but maybe I was from his POV. That iisnt the same as being called pathetic though. That was uncalled for.

Point: you're paranoid
Point: I'm concerned about our relationship

Score: TJ/4, Cat/7. He's right, this would be paranoia under any normal circumstance. But, considering the fact that hes been calling my problems ludicrous since we got back together and we seem to not have solved that problem yet, I have a right to be scared for us. Seeing him smile and be generally amused by all that makes me wonder. It makes me wonder how long it will be before he starts thinking that way, too. That was my issue.

Point: if you can be a civil human being and you call me in 15 minutes, you can come upstairs.
Point: I was being reasonable

Score: TJ/4, Cat/8. Let's look back. I didn't tell him to shut up after asking him a question. I didn't call him pathetic. I didn't tell him I would call the cops on him and I certainly didn't kick him out. Who is being unreasonable here?

There are certainly more points here, which I may or may not add. The point really is... is this the man I want to spend my life with?

He called me pathetic.
He told me to shut up.
He triied to tell me I was controlling or manipulating him
He called me childish
He didn't listen to me at all
He didn't stop calling anything ludicrous
He called me paranoid
He assumed I was going to "some guys house" to sleep if michelle wasn't home
He told me I had "a long way to go"
And, most importantly, he kicked me out in the middle of the night when he wasn't sure I had a place to go.

Why did he do this?

He wanted to sleep.

...what does that say to you?

His health and well being are important to me. I was willing to hold out on telling him my problem so we could sleep together. I was even willing to let him be right. Well, almost willing.

My health and well being, on the other hand, don't seem to matter.

I still don't have a place to go, by the way.

Wedding Days are Far Away...

...Yet here I am, planning one. >>;;.

For sanity's sake, things I need to keep track of and decisions I need to make:

WEDDING DATE:
June 30, 2013

WEDDING THEME:
Geeky/Gamer/Otaku-type-things (I think...  I think I got attached to having a Zelda-themed wedding.  Dispater help me.)

WEDDING CAKE:
Red Velvet

WEDDING PLANNER (TBD, if needed):
Lola Event Productions

WEDDING MUSIC:
Toast and Jam DJ's 

WEDDING STATIONERY:
Graceful Bamboo
Float + Celebrate
Two Cranes
Love Grade
Story Book

I don't seem to like any of these, and only the Two Cranes or Story Book ones really fit the bill on anything even remotely "Fantasy" like.  I might rescind that statement for "Graceful Bamboo", but for now, keep looking.

WEDDING DRESSES:
Maggie Sottero's "Marion"
Maggie Sottero's "Amara Royale"
Red and White (From David's Bridal)

WEDDING FAVORS:
LOVE Keyboard Magnets
"We Clicked" Mousepads

CEREMONY SITES:
The Ivy Room
The Signature Room
A New Leaf
Galleria Marchetti

PHOTOGRAPHY:
Essence Photo and Video
Timothy Whaley & Associates

HONEYMOON:
Japan

How to Forget the Past

Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget

I'm going to get bored of writing this.

Forget
Forget
Forget
Forget

I really don't need or want to carve this into my arm.  But it feels as though it's necessary right now.

Forgive yourself.
Forgive everyone else.

Let it go.  Let it die.  If you want a future then the past has to be accepted and properly buried.

But how do you go about that?

How are you supposed to forget..  What you've done?  How are you supposed to forget words like "Our past...  Sucked."?  How?  How do you forget pain, and sadness, and worry and rage and love and fortitude, and everything in-between?

Forget.  Forget.  Forget.  Forget.  Forget.  Forget.  Forget.  Forget.

I don't really know how to do this.

Can someone force themselves to forget shit?

Of course they can...  I did it...  But then it came back.  I hope it doesn't always come back.  I don't know what else to do.  I guess this is what blogs are for.

Five year olds don't remember much because they're distracted.  Maybe I should distract myself.  But I can only distract myself so much.

Forget the words.  He loves you.
Forget London.  She doesn't matter.
Forget what you've done.  You'll correct it now.
Forget the cheating.  You won't do it again.

If our past sucked so bad, then...  What else do I have left to hold on to?

Backtracking Facebook Posts is a Bad Idea.

Of course, no one really should eavesdrop.  It's a very bad, bad habit of mine that I need to break but...  You can't help bloody doing that if one of your friends suddenly tells you "Oh, I thought the MAN THAT YOU LOVE THE MOST IN THE WORLD is dating ONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU HATE MOST IN THE WORLD right now."

I don't...  What?  What is this?

So naturally I slip into one of my older habits (Because...  Apparently old habits die harder than I thought they did, but I haven't done this for quite some time, so sue me.  It's not like it's a growing resurgence) and check Facebook for a while.

Well like I said, no one hears anything good about themselves when eavesdropping.

Not only (Surprise) do I find something between the two of them (Which I'm inclined to believe him for, but, still, some pieces don't seem to add up here), but of course find less-than-desirable info.

These...  They're understandable.  I was a bitch and an idiot.  I guess even the thing with London should be understandable since...  He was unattached...  It shouldn't even really get to me this much but...  I can't help but...  I don't even know.  Wonder if they're having weird fucking makeout sessions?  Having sex, even?  I can't bear to think like that but anyone who reads this blog knows me, and they know my insecurities.  I just...  Want to know what happened.  I can tell from the wall post that SOMETHING happened...  I just want him to be honest so I can move on with this BS...   Because...

London Prater

ummm so times in the rain..good times hope you think of those pimpin' times today and they make it a great day. Have a good day....btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

August 25, 2010 at 12:49am 
T.j. Reilly Ha, wow, thanks London, good times indeed. And thanks for the reminder of course. 
August 25, 2010 at 1:06am ·
 
London Prater no prob...our little secert 
August 25, 2010 at 1:07am ·

What exactly are you supposed to think about that?

Just...  What?  You can't think shit, that's what.  And you're paralyzed because you wonder what exactly is going on here. 

Again, this shouldn't even fucking bother me...  But it does.  I just can't...  I hate feeling like I wasn't the only one to him even though that's...  Stupid.  Even though I never did move on, I did date other people... 

The other thing...  I don't even know.  It was my fault.  All my fault.  And I know that.  I can't get over the fact that I basically forced the love of my life to hide from me.  I should never have done that and...  Well, I was stupid.  But...  It's hard to see.  It's hard to go backward on Facebook, tell yourself that this really isn't something you should do and then just keep pressing because you're curious as to what he's done without you...  Things you could have and should have shared with him that you never did.  That shit fucking hurts like hell.

I talked with him about all of this and, well, understandably, he was pissed at me.  I guess I'd be pissed too if I couldn't go to sleep and I was tired and hurting.  I just...  Wanted to get the matter from him straight and he just came off like I was accusing him of everything.  I wasn't...  I just...  Wanted to talk about it.  I was so upset with London and with myself that I wasn't even sure if I should cry or laugh at the absurdity. >>;;  I did end up crying though, a little...  Mostly because he sounded so mad at me. 

Just...  I want this thing with London to stop.  I want to know what went on between them because I have a niggling feeling that this is one of those "I-need-to-lie-to-you-to-protect-you" things and I really don't want to be protected...  I came clean with the cheating business and I just...  If such is the case, and even if it isn't, I hope he does the same.  It's driving me nuts.  It makes me waver when I think "I want to marry this man".  It makes me...  Break a little.

On another note, the whole backtracking thing...  Shit...  I missed so much.  And I feel so goddamn horrible it isn't even funny.  It's not funny that I forced him into this position but it's also deeply hurtful that he felt he really did have to hide his life from me.  I wish I wasn't such an idiot.  And I wish I had treated him better.  That, at least, I guess...  I can lay to rest.  Simply by saying that I will treat him better.  No question. 

He thinks I'm worrying about the past with all this...  But...  I'm not...  I'm really worrying about the future and how shaky I'll end up being...  I'm worried about how long this bullcrap with London will keep popping up before I can stop looking over my shoulder for her...  I mean hell, I'd JUST got over that BS before we broke up the first time and now here it is again, trying to ruin my goddamn fucking awesome relationship.

I just...  Don't know.  I don't know who to turn to because it's obviously bad to talk to him about this, since he's very sensitive about the subject, but...  Who else do I go to...?

30 Day Song Challenge, Duly Noted.

I think it's only for my sanity, but I've decided that it'd probably be smart to see what my answers are when I start this, just in case I start it again.  So, starting from February 25, 2011:

DAY OO1

 

[MY FAVORITE SONG]: Shake It, by Metro Station

DAY OO2

 [MY LEAST FAVORITE SONG]: Hey There Delilah, by The Plain White T's

DAY OO3

 [A SONG THAT MAKES ME HAPPY]: Waka Waka (Time for Africa), by Shakira

DAY OO4

 [A SONG THAT MAKES ME SAD]: Ticket to Heaven, by Three Doors Down

DAY OO5

 [A SONG THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE]: Swing Life Away, by Rise Against

DAY OO6

 [A SONG THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMEWHERE]: Over the Hills and Far Away, by Nightwish

DAY OO7

 [A SONG THAT REMINDS ME OF A CERTAIN EVENT]: The Fight Song, by Marilyn Manson

DAY OO8

 [A SONG THAT I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO]: Kingdom for a Heart, by Sonata Arctica

 DAY OO9

 [A SONG THAT I CAN DANCE TO]: Stamp on the Ground, by The Italo Brothers

DAY O1O

 [A SONG THAT MAKES ME FALL ASLEEP]: Victoria's Secret, by Sonata Arctica

DAY O11

 [A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE BAND]: Come Cover Me, by Nightwish

DAY O12

 [A SONG FROM A BAND YOU HATE]: How to Save a Life, by The Fray

DAY O13

 [A SONG THAT IS A GUILTY PLEASURE]: One-Winged Angel, by Nobuo Uematsu

DAY O14

 [A SONG THAT NO ONE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO LOVE]: Undo, by Cool Joke
DAY O15

 [A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU]: The Escapist, by Nightwish 

DAY O16

 [A SONG THAT YOU USED TO LOVE BUT NOW HATE]: When Did Your Heart Go Missing, by Rooney 

DAY O17

 [A SONG THAT YOU HEAR OFTEN ON THE RADIO]: Paradise City, by Guns 'N Roses 

DAY O18

 [A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU HEARD ON THE RADIO]: My Pace, by Manzo 

DAY O19

 [A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE ALBUM]: Half-Truism, by The Offspring

DAY O20

 [A SONG YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY]: Feuer Frei, by Rammstein

DAY O21

 [A SONG YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY]: Hey, Soul Sister, by Train 

DAY O22

 [A SONG YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE SAD]: Eagleheart, by Stratovarius  

DAY O23

 [A SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING]: Rhythm of Love, by Plain White T's

Things That Have Been Seriously Fucking With My Head...

I have made a promise to myself and those around me, particularly one person who seems...  Rightly concerned about my state of mind and the way things are going between us.  That is to say, I must change.  Believe me, 2010 was no stranger to change, at least for me, but I need to start being able to listen to the people around me.  I need to start being able to take their constructive criticism and use it to build myself into a better person.  This is probably one of the most difficult things for people to face, and I am likely not in the best state of mind to take on this challenge.  Regardless, it must be done, so this is my first step.  Here are the issues that have been bothering me lately, complete with my thoughts.

ISSUE #1: I MISS THE FUCK OUT OF TJ REILLY.

This is not a surprise to me.  I'm so attached to this guy that I doubt I'm going to stop missing him at all, or looking for clues as to whether he'll come back to me.  He has been a friend, a lover, a [somewhat wayward] guidance, and all in all everything that I could ever ask for since the beginning of the '07 school year.  I could not ask for a better person to have shaped my life.  There's no denying it: I treated him horribly, and now there is nothing I can do but watch him (Seemingly) walk out of my life for the second time in a year.  Some people seem not to grasp the sheer magnitude of how much this hurts me.  I know that it's difficult for people to see (Outward appearances can be deceiving), but damnit, we loved each other.  But right now, he just wants to be away from me.  It will make it fucking difficult, if he wants contact again, to re-initiate said contact.  On my end, it doesn't seem so.  After all, I've had the same phone number since I started high school.  He, on the other hand, will be moving out of his house, and switching phone companies (And thereby very likely losing the only connection to him that I have left).  But, I have faith.  I really do.


SOLUTION #1: Call him.  Stalk him.  Make your old mistakes.  You know you don't want to do this; it simply hurts the both of you.
SOLUTION #2: Wait.  If your horoscope, your gut, AND some of your friends say he'll probably come back...  He'll probably come back.  It doesn't mean you have to think about him every single day though.
SOLUTION #3:  Follow the three most sensible people you know.  Let him go.  Cast him out of your life.

IN THE MEANTIME: Work on your temper.  Control it.  See the counselors you promised yourself that you'd see.  Try to distract yourself, but don't forget what could be waiting for you.  After all, when has your horoscope ever failed you?

ISSUE #2: HOW UNHAPPY ARE YOU, REALLY? DAN


This one stems straight from Dan.  How happy I am seems to seriously affect how the relationship is going.  I think I get this.  He is a stable guy.  I, by default, am not a stable girl.  I'm not entirely sure how to keep looking at this, being as it just seems like we're at two different sides of the spectrum and that doesn't seem to want to change.  This is one of the reasons I'm blogging about my issues in the first place.  I don't want to drag him down (Which I am obviously doing) because I have so many crying jags I may as well be born underwater.  In fact, I said to myself at the beginning of it all that I'd love to make him happy.  I want to be one of those girlfriends that someone just can't stop thinking about.  I'd like to be that person that my guy just wants to be with, all day, every day, if he can help it.  Here's MY issue: If I'm to be happy, part of that means I should be happy with how the relationship is going, right?  Okay.  I half am, and half am not.  Here's why.

I'M HAPPY BECAUSE:
-He's just all around an amazing guy.
-He's stable.  Something I need after all the uncertainty.  Much as I love TJ, we had a rollercoaster of a relationship.
-He seems to want to treat me well.
-He's cute.  When I AM happy, we get along really well.
-He genuinely wants to see me get better.
-I think he's actually trying for this relationship to work.

I'M NOT HAPPY BECAUSE:
-As one would guess, long distance is kind of a killer.  This should not be an issue because I've got a car and (Semi-frequent) income for gas.  So, not really a problem.

-I don't think I'm totally happy with how our interests are panning out.  It's not the fact that they're so different. We do have a couple things in common.  It's more...  I'm trying here.  Really trying.  Like, has anyone here ever actually heard of me watching a football game?  No?  And yet, I still watched the Bears lose yesterday.  Meanwhile this guy doesn't seem to give two shits about what I'm into...  I don't remember if he's ever even asked aside from the occasional "How's Capoeira going?", but that might just be my sleep-addled mind.  Still...  I feel as though there's an imbalance here.  He would like me to, I think, stop trying, but that doesn't seem fair either.  Newsflash: I DON'T WANT TO BE AT TWO ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM.  I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.  I'm well aware that people have gotten along just fine with different interests and that's all fine and dandy, but when I show some interest in YOURS, such as, BTW, going to HANDBALL and learning about it, I'd kind of like to see you take an interest in my life too.  And not just "So how upset are you today?"

-How often do I hear the phrase "Just let it go" whenever I ask my boyfriend for advice?  I've seen Evan say things like "Well maybe you should...", and I've seen TJ go "I'm gonna kick that motherfucker's ASS for messing with you, baby girl", so I've seen different reactions to my issues.  But to him... I don't know.  It doesn't seem as though he gives a care!  I mean I'm sure he does, but I seem to have gotten used to his advice.  So used to it, in fact, that I can now predict what's going to be said about the next time I come to him crying.  And believe me, it's not going to be "Whose ass am I kicking today?".  I know he's just not that kind of guy, but...  Particularly when I'm having issues so bad that I literally can't sleep or I'll cry for thinking, I'd like to, you know, be comforted.  Told everything will be okay.  Something...  Just...  Something.

-I'll admit it, I'm...  (Still) Not the happiest when it comes to time spent with my boyfriend.  Mostly, I'm just not happy because, er, well, other things are more important right now.  He has this funny thing where he "Disconnects" shit and rearranges all the things he needs and wants to do in accordance to how important it is to do them.  Yes, I get it, school is definitely important.  So, apparently, are sports.  Just...  Is it so bad to miss the guy that once told me it "hurts like we broke up or something" when I didn't get to see him on a come-home weekend?  I don't seem to see that in him anymore, and that greatly saddens me.  I love the fact that he calls and texts when he can, just...  I don't want to feel like he doesn't feel that way anymore.  We talked about this and seemed to have an argument over it once, but nothing (To me, at least) was accomplished.  It was essentially "Take what I've got for you or leave if you don't like it", and then sex.  I appreciate the fact that he took into consideration my issues with his time slots.  I don't very much appreciate the way that the discussion ended.  It makes me feel like I'm just one of many options to him.  And, just FYI, I kind of like feeling like I'm a very important person in your life.  Let me give you some real life experience on this particular issue, too.  I asked a friend about it and s/he said, "Lady you're the lowest thing on the totem pole to him, and if you didn't put out, I doubt you'd be more important than flossing.  If a man doesn't give you his time and his attention then you should seriously consider letting him go."  Now, not only does this hurt like HELL (I mean, I trust this person with a shit ton of advice), but it seriously makes me wonder.  What am I gonna have to do to get his attention, for example, crosses my mind a lot.

-He doesn't seem to want to talk to me. At least, not too much.  I kind of have to dig if he's having a bad day, which is understandable, but then again I've got to dig a little MORE just to feel like, you know, we're an actual couple and not just having sex for the hell of it.  This has seemingly been fixing itself lately, so again, not really an issue (Factoid: Apparently, if you want to tell someone you had a bad meal in Europe, you cross your silverware on the plate instead of leaving it parallel.)

-I think he either expects me to work out the above issues on my own (As in, get the fuck over them already) or for them to disappate over time.  This has been really, REALLY bothering me lately, particularly because, well, he came to me not too long after TJ himself left, saying "I think we should be friends", because HEY, you had an issue with my time slots and said that maybe I was too busy for a girlfriend, so yeah I just thought I'd bring that up.  Randomly.  Ohmahgawd..  THANKFULLY, the danger was abated.  But hey, if I'm going to be the only one talking about my issues...  What the hell?  Where is the communication here, exactly?

Okay, so now that we've covered all my "Where I Am With Dan" basics, I can safely say this: It takes two to tango.  It really does.  I'm pulling my weight here and I believe that he feels like he's pulling his weight as far as "I'm taking your shit, so please just settle for what I'm giving you, and while you're at it, PLEASE be happy?".  But...  Like, that's no basis for a relationship at all.  I can be happy, I really can.  But you've got to make me feel like that's where you want me to be.  I can't just be thrown into your life one day out of the week, leave, miss you, rinse and repeat.  Dan, PERSONALLY SPEAKING TO YOU, I need you to make me feel like I'm special to you, and I sincerely believe that it is possible to do even if I DO only happen to see you once a week.  These issues have lumped themselves together so much that I can no longer find the strength or courage to speak to you about them in person.  My preferred medium has always been the pen and paper, so understand it's not because I DIDN'T want to talk to you about these things, it's just that I get them out so much better if I can see the words I'm writing, be able to correct them, and make sure that you get the message I'm trying to convey.

Okay?

I'm getting the feeling here that his major issue is the fact that I'm so unhappy that it just makes it hard to be with me.  Well Dan, I can't exactly be very HAPPY when it doesn't feel like you're trying for this relationship at all.  I get that you are.  In fact, that's why I've seriously considered going to my counselors for advice on it.  But it can't just be me here.  It really can't.  It needs to be you helping me through these issues, trying to make me happy like I try to make you happy.  If you need some help (Because I know, you've been asking me "How can I make you happy?" a lot lately), here it is:

-We can't now, but in the springtime, take some walks with me.  A lot of the times when I come up, it feels like we're rushed for time.  And we are.  That's probably not the best way to go about it.

-Take me out more.  I'm not specifically requesting it because I'm bored with you and the time we spend, but maybe you're right.  It's something to try, and maybe it'll make me happier.

-What happened to that idea with the hotel and the video games?  It seems to me we haven't really had time for ourselves...  I think maybe sometime soon we should, you know, find some time to just be together.

-Please know that I know that you're busy.  I kind of get that by the way you don't often see me more than once a week.  However...  I'd love to feel that you're at least attempting not to shove me to the side until you need to fuck somebody.  I really am not sure how to go about this one, but obviously having that argument about it really doesn't help (I don't really take well to things when people yell at me or argue with me for them.).  If it makes you feel any better, I've been feeling like this less and less lately, but to me it is still an issue.

-I get that you're quiet.  Believe me, I am too.  But...  I'd like to just talk with you.  A lot of the time you ask me what I want to do, and I don't answer and you (a day ago) sometimes end up just playing video games 'cause I'm just watching you.  It doesn't make me feel so good that you'd rather quietly play video games than talk with me, but I'm never really sure how to go about saying that without offending you ('Cause, like I said, and I'm sure you've noticed, I'm pretty quiet myself.)  And the reason why I can never really find a topic to talk about is:

-Why won't you tell me about yourself?  Just telling me "It's a lot easier to talk with people who play Handball than it is to do so with someone who isn't interested in sports" (As only one example of many) doesn't make me feel very good at all.  It makes me feel like I've got to be a handball player just to get to know you.  If such is the case, please tell me so.  Otherwise, I hope that you'll open yourself up to me a lot more than "So what movies do you like?" without my prodding.  Believe me, I've been agonizing over this a lot, and if you want one of the prime reasons that I am NOT very happy, with myself or with how we're going, this would be one of them.  I get that it's apparently not easy for you, but I share my passions with you all the time.  I think it's about time you did the same.  Let me in.

-Please don't be distant anymore.  I know this one in particular is my fault, but if I'm gonna be happy I'm going to get there a lot easier if you hold me and talk to me just like you used to when we first started going out.  Trust me, you saw a lot of crying, but at home, I was really happy >>;;.  I don't know if it's because you're too busy or you just plain don't feel how you did before but, I miss when you used to bug me with calls and texts about when you'd get to see me.  Little things like that.

-What hurts the most is that if I show you this post and this list, I don't think anything will change.  I'm actually afraid to do so because when I do, I get a really good feeling that you're just gonna be like "I just don't have the time.  Just accept it, etc etc".  And the thing is, I've tried.  But it hurts more that you won't even seem to try to bend a little than it does to keep all this to myself, so, I haven't talked about any of it... When I come to you with issues about us, please make me feel like you consider it a problem instead of just brushing it off because you know you don't have the time..  Even if you know that you don't, the consideration would make me so much happier.  And please, I'm not asking you to change, just...  I don't even know.  I'm too afraid to ask you for things now.

-There are more, but I'm really bloody tired as I only got around four hours of sleep again.  If you see me during the day, ask me then.  I'm sure I'll have an armload of things to tell you.

I've just spent two hours writing this post and my issues still aren't finished.  At least, though, the more prominent ones have been put down for me to read and review.  This post will be continued...  When I'm not so fucking tired.