Let's Talk About...

How...  Odd it feels to be told that I'm somebody's "everything", but then realize that every Facebook status he updates, every blog post he makes, are about anything except me.

Actually, I take that back.  That one about arguing with a dumb bitch, that was me...  That one about never wanting to talk to me again and "Why the fuck did you call me at work", that was me...  The one about being "stalked", that was me...  The one about how he couldn't believe he gave up fifty dollars, that was me (And damn, but I had been hoping that he'd actually wanted to do something nice for me, but now I know in the back of his mind he was thinking what a stupid fucking decision it was, and that feels horrible)...  The one about how he could finally listen to our song without "wanting to erase the past three years of his life", that was me too...  And afterward, after all that, one single post made me smile.  And that was about having St. Patrick's Day dinner with his family and me.  Not even the one where we were at Chili's was about me.  It was about a song that was playing.  Hmm.  But at least I was mentioned there.

What am I getting at here?  If I'm your everything, then why are your thoughts all over the place except for me?  If I'm your everything, then how come the only facebook statuses (That don't sound like you want to bite someone's head off, again, me) that are positive are about your friends?  If I'm your everything, then how come you introduced your FRIENDS in the first blog post you ever made, but when I asked you why I was never mentioned, you said you "Don't write about your daily life in this blog"?  By the way, that journal you claimed to have that was filled with thoughts about me that you conveniently "lost" a couple of years ago probably should have been found the day you moved out...  Guess that wasn't real either...

I'm writing about this because I woke up at four in the morning crying over it.  I think maybe I'm coming off as a little whiny, but it worries me.  It worries me because honestly, if I'm your everything and you've personally told me that you want to shout your love from the rooftops...  Why aren't you doing it?  What's keeping you from announcing your love?  What's keeping you from talking about me?  Why are you hiding me?

It also makes me a little jealous...

Because I see Tomasa talking about her boyfriend all the time, and how they love each other, and how he's amazing...  Because I see other people talking to their SO's over Facebook and meanwhile I haven't heard a peep from mine, like he thinks that nothing I ever write about is interesting...  Because I read blog posts where wives are cooking or hanging out or even dieting with their husbands and they seem so...  Happy.  They seem like they're "together".  They don't seem separated.  I feel separated.

I feel as though this relationship is trying to work from two different sides that aren't willing to come together anymore.  I feel like he isn't willing to reach out to me where I'm willing to reach out to him (But at least we talked about that one, and he's willing to let me support him now).  Because of those facebook statuses I know that everything he told me when we were first dating was a lie.  He didn't think the world of me, he was turning around and letting all his friends know just what sort of retarded bitch I was, for all to see, on Facebook.  And I wouldn't be surprised if he had been constantly complaining to them about me while he was secretly hanging out with them, too.

And now...  While we're dating again...  Shouldn't he be announcing his refound love for me?  Shouldn't he at least have let people know how much he missed me?  Shouldn't he be talking about how he enjoys spending time with me, or the things we do together?  Shouldn't he be talking about how much I make him smile, or how happy I make him, or...  Something?

I guess...  I guess I'm just not noteworthy enough to talk about.  Certainly not more noteworthy than a cardboard cutout of Snoop Dogg in his room, or a couple of turret plushies.  I so dearly wish I was, though.  I really wish I was his everything.