I woke up today thinking 'I need to be with TJ today.' Not for my benefit, not for his. For ours. I felt horrible after this weekend - we'd had such terrible fights that our time together ended on a bittersweet note. Now, I've been kicked out of my boyfriend's house and am currently sitting in a parking lot waiting for the sun to rise because frankly, I have nowhere else to go. The only thing I can do is write, sort out my feelings and move when the cops tell me to. While I'm here, I guess I should be productive and fill you in.
It started out fine. I felt like we were gonna move on from what we had done after all those make ups. I told myself, and him, that the reason I was here was to support him. Fair enough?
He got sick. We were okay in the car. We were okay until that conversation. It all went wrong there. And from this point, there is no fairer way to sort this out than by factually stating everything that happened.
Point: he's sick and didn't need that
Point: I would have kept it to myself if he hadn't asked
Score: TJ. He asked, and it was against better judgment to tell him when I know he erupts when he's sick.
Point: I don't know the situation
Point: the problem wasn't about carmen at all.
Score: TJ/1, Cat/1. He assumed I was sticking up for her but he knows better than to do that. I don't stick up for people I don't know. The problem was about how his reaction might reflect on our relationship.
Point: Ludicrous.
Point: WTF.
Score: TJ/1, Cat/2. Here's where the fun starts. True, maybe he didn't mean that my problem was stupid, but the way he phrased it ["This is ludicrous."] Was pretty bad, and he didn't elaborate on the fact that it wasn't me until the end. I have reason to go WTF here. He told me he would stop, and he didn't.
Point: Eviction
Point: THAT is ludicrous
Score: TJ/2, Cat/2. Technically, I should have gone. But it was irritating how he wasn't seeing my side of the story, just what he assumed I was saying.
Point: listen to me
Point: listen to me
Score: TJ/3, Cat/3. We both should have listened. I tried, but felt he didn't.
Point: I already know what you're gonna say, I don't wanna hear anymore because its stupid
Point: you asked me the question and you don't know what I was gonna say at all
Score: TJ/3, Cat/4. He did ask me a question. He then threw the incomplete answer in my face without hearing me out.
Point: you're being pathetic
Point: let me stay
Score: TJ/3, Cat/5. This would go to TJ because yes, begging him to stay isn't exactly cool in my book either. But at this point it feels like manipulation on his part, because he knew I had nowhere to go. If I leave my house and don't come back before midnight, I simply can't go back until the next day. Both the way he acted in kicking me out and the way he was talking to me felt very close to abuse, and I don't take kindly to my loved one calling me pathetic.
Point: you're trying to control me
Point: no I'm not
Score: TJ/ 3, Cat/6. I don't even know how that leap was made. If anyone was controlling anyone it was him controlling me.
Point: you're being childish
Point: no I'm not
Score: TJ/4, Cat/6. I'm giving him this one because I don't really think I was, but maybe I was from his POV. That iisnt the same as being called pathetic though. That was uncalled for.
Point: you're paranoid
Point: I'm concerned about our relationship
Score: TJ/4, Cat/7. He's right, this would be paranoia under any normal circumstance. But, considering the fact that hes been calling my problems ludicrous since we got back together and we seem to not have solved that problem yet, I have a right to be scared for us. Seeing him smile and be generally amused by all that makes me wonder. It makes me wonder how long it will be before he starts thinking that way, too. That was my issue.
Point: if you can be a civil human being and you call me in 15 minutes, you can come upstairs.
Point: I was being reasonable
Score: TJ/4, Cat/8. Let's look back. I didn't tell him to shut up after asking him a question. I didn't call him pathetic. I didn't tell him I would call the cops on him and I certainly didn't kick him out. Who is being unreasonable here?
There are certainly more points here, which I may or may not add. The point really is... is this the man I want to spend my life with?
He called me pathetic.
He told me to shut up.
He triied to tell me I was controlling or manipulating him
He called me childish
He didn't listen to me at all
He didn't stop calling anything ludicrous
He called me paranoid
He assumed I was going to "some guys house" to sleep if michelle wasn't home
He told me I had "a long way to go"
And, most importantly, he kicked me out in the middle of the night when he wasn't sure I had a place to go.
Why did he do this?
He wanted to sleep.
...what does that say to you?
His health and well being are important to me. I was willing to hold out on telling him my problem so we could sleep together. I was even willing to let him be right. Well, almost willing.
My health and well being, on the other hand, don't seem to matter.
I still don't have a place to go, by the way.
